looking back

Its funny reading back what i wrote in the past and not believing that i actually wrote what i wrote.

Embarassing? Dumb? Hurtful? Illogical? Dumb? Rash?

Well. Looking back. I kinda like it.

Selamat Hari Raya ya guys..

Wells, spent ytd overnight at TTSH wif my grandma. I just cant see her spending the morning of hari raya alone. And besides, I wun be able to do this for long.

Went for prayers and came back. Waited and waited and no one came. Expected mama to be the first one there so when it seems like she's taking her own sweet time there, i became very disappointed in her. Mustve forgotten that her son and mother's there. She was the fourth to reach. So much for not going to my aunt's place. And im feeling like a fool caring so much for my grandma. That's why some times i wish id be less emo. But dennagain, guess grandma means alot more to me than to others.

Have you ever reach the point when you'd rather lose someone you love than to see him or her suffer?

I have. Twice.

So after mama came, i was sitting there looking at my grandma. And the mood to like celebrate Hari Raya totally vanished. So i decided to head home coz i dun want to leave with the knowledge that my grandma will be left alone. So well, wun be celebrating so long as she's still suffering. So long as she's there alone. Will try to be by her side so long as shes still breathing, so long as im free. Or at least till i get bored of looking after her.

Looking after the aged.... realised its physically and mentally challenging. Now i understand why most dump theirs in the homes.

This totally rash entry speaks a lot about myself. Me spending almost the entire day alone at home speaks alot about me. That i'm not yet ready to be saluted. That it's too early to call me mature with a v in front. I had mentioned that i would be crushed today and mama be utterly depressed yet ive yet to shed a single tear. No sadness no happiness no nothing. Its as if everything's being pent up inside. Miserable hari raya. Wonder how next year will be like. whether id have the chance to be by my grandma. Or my mother for that matter. Dun worry about me. This is afterall just a blog. Where things might be a bit exagerated(did i spell it right?) and no one can really tell. And u noe how i write. Thats what i'll always say...

But nevertheless, Selamat hari raya... my profound apologies had/have/should any of my past present or future entries hurt u in one way or another.

Eye exercise

She's a very special someone. Stories of her taking care of me when i was a baby. Me and her when mama's working. Me and her and durian ice cream. Me and her and grocery shopping. Me and her and many many happy memories. I remember as a kid she kept reminding me to pray. And i prayed. Always did what she wanted me to do. Never once do i want to hurt her feelings.And i remember me asking God to make sure she lives a long life...long enough to see my child. And how things seemed to be going just fine. Till yesterday. She had a stroke. Brought back memories. Cant bear to imagine what'll happen sooner or later. Not after what happened to my father.

Course ended late ytd so I could only come today. A look at her and the battle started. I was struggling to keep my cheeks dry. Sat beside my mama and looked at my one and only. How it reminded me of 4 mths ago sitting by my dad. But then i wasnt crying. Now i was. Fought so hard not to tear. Soldiers dun tear. And mama wasnt helping me by rubbing my back and brushing her hand thru my hair and passing me tissues after tissues. And thoughts of losing her playing in my mind didnt help either. Im not ready to lose her. So i cried.

Was touched that when i come to see her, she looked at me and cupped my face with one hand. She remembers me. Kept asking myself why. Why now? Why her? Please.... anyone but my grandma.

And before we left, she asked me to sleepover by her side. As much as i wanted to, i didnt coz my course dun end till friday. I remember how we went home after visiting my dad only to receive a call the next morning. I dun want a repeat. Not with my grandma. Told her ill stay with her this friday and satuday and sunday... a promise i hope i will keep. And I hope i would not be too late.

I have yet to take u out. Used to think that i would one day ask u out and we could drive around in my car, going to some nice restaurant. I have yet to buy you the most beautiful baju kurung for Hari Raya. How happy i would be if she wore what i bought. You have yet to see my child, see him grow. How i wish u could make my dream come true. Love u with all my heart. My grandma.

Guess things happen for a reason.

random couple of lines

A lil uninspired to write tonight but being online means i have to write sthg. Hmm.... This came today: the sudden urge to learn how to drive.

Mama kept asking if we wanna go Geylang look see look see and i keep telling her its very far and buses and trains are quite leceh and some other excuses. Truth is, we've never been there on our own before. Its always been enter the van and sleep for half an hour or so, wake up and tadaaaa... reached our destination. And kept thinking of the visitings we ll be doing this year round and on the record, we'll be going to grandma's only. Unless relatives want to tumpang us around but mama keeps reminding us what my father used to always say "Jangan suka mengharap". Dun ever hope for things to happen. I think... my malay-english translation abit rusty.

So my point being, if somehow or rather i could drive, Hari Raya would be a lil bit more fun for us.

8 days to Raya and theres nooo kuih in sight. No potato chips or whatever stuffs we used to have. ANd my aunty decided not to bake this year so NO KUIH! And when i asked my mama why, she asked me why? ... Why? Are ur frens coming again this year? And i just said, 8 days to Raya ... shouldnt we have at least something beside drinks to offer if people come. Speaking of drinks, dun think we bought syrup yet. What we have is just for personal consumption. Mama just dun seem to want to take the initiative to i dunnoe... do sthg? Yet to really clean up the house. Everyday's like any other day in the calender. Nvm... this year's will be the trial period for future Hari Rayas. =)

And no raya songs on the radio too!!! Apparently mama gets really sad when she hear the songs being played. And frankly, i get super sad too when i hear the especially nice but sad songs. Even when my men sing a line or two, my mind will wander. Emo.. haha...

Oh.... i realised Hari Raya Haji we'll be celebrating just the 4 of us. Finally can watch cartoons in the morning? haha... Hope we know what to do ...

Really really sorry if i keep writing about this sorta stuffs over and over again. Seriously not asking for sympathisers nor am i in the self pity mode.

I think what im kind of driving at is this..... Good things dun last forever. Dun take what u have for granted. Really treasure ur loved ones. oh i wish i could really hug and kiss my dad and wish him Selamat Hari Raya and ask for forgiveness... just one more time.

my most special k

speechless. touched.

It's really really really comforting to know there are people out there who care. I know they care but not to such extent. Shared my find with mama to share them with her. Actually, she found it first. Found it at our doorstep. It was more than the belated card i was expecting.

Guess stuffs like this serve as a reminder to me that ive got people who want to see me move on and make it in life... so that i could one day repay their kindness. Wells, the latter's my hope.

Again am truly touched. I could never thank u all enough. The people whom i didnt really know that well.

Ive found the word....

...to describe myself as of dunnoe when.

Uninspired.

Yes i could just still be in the Project Runway mode coz the girl was eliminated as her model's dress lacked inspiration. I think it was simple and had preety shades of green. Might be too simple to be on Elle mags though.
And the guy Bradley was on the brink of forfeiting coz his original plan could not be put into action coz of some sewing difficulties... So he had to rework his original plan. And in the end, he made something that was OBVIOUSLY last minute work yet he received good words from all the judges which shocked me and my brothers and Bradley himself. Guess me and fashion is a no no.

Man i sounding so ... so unlike me. Im suppose to be "dead".

As i was saying, as of dunnoe when, ive been feeling uninspired to live. By that i dun mean death. By that i mean living life. Coz ive been hanging out with my men at my MG post. Talked to them and all either had a significant other or are still "in process". They do go out with friends when they book out. They dare to tease girls on the train. Or the few female sergents in camp. What else constitutes to living life?

But dennagain me, i didnt really had a life then, when i had the chance to. And after what recently happened to my family, there's no longer an I in the word life. (I as in me and not the letter) There's only us. Mama sis bros and lastly me. A lil unfair coz im only 18. Coz someone used to tell me that 21 is when i get my key to freedom. How can i be free? Oops... what am i saying. Im not 18. Used to be 18. Cant be bothered to even remember my own age.

Anyways, wenta the bank with mama today. She wanted to put me under joint account so either one of us could withdraw money from the bank..... Wanted to put my name in her investments too. Just in case one of us bids farewell to this world. Mama keeps telling us 25th Dec will be her last day coz that's when she's going to perform the Haj with my dad... or so she keeps telling us. And i always laughed it off whenever she says that but deep down, after what's happened, i know anything can happen. Any day can be anyone's last day. So i just "played" along with my mama and keep telling my bros whenever they make mama angry to just please please please behave till she's gone. She'll be gone soon. And my bros would give me the "mama wun leave us this soon" look.

REally hopes that God would look after her when she's there. We arent old enough to be without someone to guide us. Ive yet to learn how to cook. She just cannot leave us. But if she does, ive got to think like ive never think before.

2 weeks to hari raya and mama's already indicated she's not keen on celebrating. Will just be going to my grandma's place -- this time we need the ez-link. There's no talk about what color will we be wearing this year. THere's no night shopping at Geylang. No can drinks in the fridge. No porridge during breakfast. Thing's has been different since he left. No more WOW! food. Just simple food. I no longer bother about what i eat at home. As long as i dun go hungry at the end of the day. Even if i do go hungry, i always tell myself that i could always eat tomorrow.

Hari Raya prayers would just be with me and my bros. And we'll haveta walk. Cant wait for that day to come. And feel what i imagined i would feel. I imagine that i'll be crushed that morning. When it's time to seek forgiveness from the parents... there'll be a seat empty. A seat that i'd have to take. And if im feeling crushed, mama would be devastated. If i cant hold back the tears as i'm writing, how could i hold back the tears when that day arrives.

Slowly im realising that i do have a life. I do have a story. A different kind of life. A different kind of story. My life is not about me and my significant other, spending time chasing and teasing girls on the bus or train... going out and having fun. etc etc. My life shall be about a young man who has to step into his dad's shoes so early in his life and no single day passes by without him thinking about how they're going to live through the days together.

Argh finally.... a typical entry by me.

I dream...

I was on a train station somewhere in Japan (dun ask me why Japan) -- deciding on where to go -- when i suddenly woke up. Yes it was a dream.

A dream i wish would never end.