Closure

It doesnt end here...

2007-10-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

My new place.......... marzuki210.blogspot.com

My own...

2007-10-02T01:48:00.000-07:00

Ive finally decided to end it.

I'll be making myself disappear once more.

Years have passed. So many memories. Many more to come.

I turn twenty and i wish that i can find someone i can share my stories with.

Big bikes

2007-09-21T22:33:00.000-07:00

Have always said im only interested in bikes as a form of transport but i just dont know why im slowly lookin at Valentino Rossi's videos and big bikes. My men forsaw this. I insisted it will never happen. But i have a slight feeling it might.

October will be a month of leaves and offs. And parade. And November will be the end. And the start of a new beginning.

Gotta start setting goals. Must admit it's hard juggling family, work, friends and interest at the same time. And next year there's school. Hopefully i can think of something.

Looking forward to it!

2007-09-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

2007-09-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

i was on the train heading towards city hall. Entered a man with a back pack and a luggage. He was alone. He looked foreign. Somehow till the moment he alighted the train, i felt very very afraid.

Perhaps it's because i hardly take the train these days. But then again, are the security checks at our stations really that effective?

Long silence...

2007-08-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

Here's an update.....

Im well and alive. Waiting for 77 days to pass by. The day i'll be free from the routine of army. Waiting for the short break i really need and then start working in what they call the real world.

Currently just killing time looking for possible jobs after i ord. Reading books. TRYING to understand how the market works, but it just seems so so complex.

And i enrolled for class 2b a month back. Took my first prac on the 23rd of july.... and right now, am waiting for my 2nd part of lesson 6 on the 2nd of sept. Hope i could get an earlier date through last minute cancellations. Initially i thought of getting my licence in time for my 20th birthday but seems like im gonna miss that target.

Haha.... i noe ive never shown any interest in bikes in any of my entries. Its a new found liking.
Was thinking more along the line of long term transport mode when i start to work after ORD. And after which i would most probably be going to school.

Hope u guys are doing well in whatever ure doing. Catch up with ya some time soon. Till next time.

wonder

2007-08-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

was talking to my mum. heard her talk.

and i know why my dad got very very angry whenever my mama complains to him about our conduct. Initially i thought he was just over reacting. Something that's just uncalled for.

But today, i realise it's not. Now in his shoes, i too feel angry and disappointed when she tells me what ive been missin the past five days...

Well, sometimes no matter how hard you try to bring up your kids properly, they still turn out to be as though their parents didnt raise them well. Is it fair to let parents take the blame?

You can't control who they hang out with. Their friends. Bad influence.

No wonder my dad did when he was around. I finally understood why.

Just thinking......

2007-07-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's just nice to just write what i feel like writing.

It's even nicer looking back and reading what i had written.

Makes me smile when i simply cannot believe that it was actually me who wrote it.
Makes me wonder why i even bothered writing about it.

I may read what i wrote yesterday today and find that it's really stupid of me to write what i wrote.

But i know im not writing for today, or tomorrow. Im not writing for you. Im just writing for myself. The me of the future. Yes i know you're reading this. Hope you turn out to be a somebody..... ali........marzuki.....

And i was just thinking.... Did you eventually get a Phantom or a sports bike?

nano

2007-07-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

yes seems like everyone's got a nano. A couple of guys in camp have the 30G one that can store movies in it. Of course it would be lovely to have one. But never in a million years would i get one. Coz we cant afford to. How much does it cost? Google says $350 for a 4g one.

$350can get u alot. Small things like bowling once a month with nizar for the next 4 years instead of the once in a blue moon act ive been doing all this while. Can subsidize my class 2b pracs should i consider to enrol. And i can go on and on and on.

I look at macs and i say to myself that those days are over. I accept that fact.

I look at going out with my friends and i say just as things are starting to change for the better, i just cannot afford to. Once a month still can. Must close one eye. But once a week, i know for sure i cannot ok nizar?

Well i just have this believe that what is just 70 cents, or $5 or $350 today could be worth a "fortune" once i ord. Not spending 70cents on a can drink today would mean i can afford to do so when im studying in the uni. Some may say im being over paranoid but in my shoes, im preparing for the worse.

Given the rough idea of my situation based on entries ever since the day my dad passed away, i just cannot accept the fact that there is an ipod something somewhere in my house. And i think you would feel the same way too.

And it just feels sucky when u go to extremes to save a mere couple of dollars a month and seeing others in your family waste money just like that. To my sister, should i be supportive of you and ur nano? Sorry i cant coz money is a very touchy issue. Angry i wont be. Disappointed, yes.

hmmmmm....... cant talk much... must report back by noon. Be back later tonight. Ive got more to say.

Rama rama....

2007-07-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

Seumpama rama rama
Terbang bebas di udara tanpa ada halangan
Aman damai suka-suka
Riang ria tanpa ada rasa duka sengketa
Rama rama

......

home home sweet home

2007-07-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

when i couldnt sleep last night, i did something i know i shouldnt have stopped doing. i ve not been doing my job for quite a while now. And looking at the things that have been happening to me lately, i realised i needed help. And who else better than him. And i fell asleep soon after.

And i realised my mistakes. And understood why things happened. Somehow i think that all this is my own doing.

Was watching My time with Ah Gong from the Stories of love Anthology series. Nice show. Touching. It was good. Made me think of trying to write a story that might move hearts and probably make readers shed a tear or two. First and only time i wrote with feelings was in one of the paragraphs in my malay compo exam. Teacher said it was good. But it was just that paragraph coz the rest of it went a little out of point. Writing that paragraph made me shed at least a tear but when the invigilator announced that there we had x minutes left( i think it was 15), i scrambled to end my compo. Maybe under normal conditions, i could try it once more. Either in malay or english. Hmmm.... when was the last time i wrote something in malay?

And if ure wondering why i still confine myself to the four walls of my home when others would be going out, id say i just dun know why. Yeah i still dont know why.

Really.

Think i should start a story about me.

Life

2007-07-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

is really really tough.

Never have i been so caught up with something that has made me awake almost the whole night. Some issues i wish i could solve in a peaceful manner.

Sometimes i just dont understand myself. And others.

And when i think i do, i dont.

I hope the remaining months in the army will be a smooth one.

And sorry really seems to be the hardest word.

Muse

2007-06-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

Given the chance id like to go to a Muse concert.

Never have i listened and liked songs with drums and electric guitars blasting in the background.

Feel like jumping up and down right now.

Our time is running out

me

2007-06-27T01:19:00.000-07:00

am not gay. thats for sure. though i really like purple.

just that i really dun see myself going out with girls. im quiet when i go out with guys. imagine adding girls to the equation.

well this is what im thinkin for now.

looking back i think ive changed quite a bit.

and theres this outside chance that i still might.

and it also depends on ur luck too.

happy fathers day

2007-06-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

Been a year on.

But still, whenever i'm home, i look out my window. And I just cant help but imagine seeing his yellow van drive out the parking lot. And to find out that the past one year was just a dream. And i still wonder what it'll be like if he was still around.

Dinner at newton

2007-06-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

Kind of a farewell dinner for one of my man. He decided to sign on and will be posting out on monday. So this makes it two friday in a row in which i went out at night. Which my brothers say is starting to become a habit of mine. To which i have to disagree.

They headed to DoubleO after tt. I headed home. Guess there'll always be some lines that i'll choose not to cross no matter what they say. Glad some of my men understand where im coming from.

Last sat was a day out too. Had fun bowling and walking ard in bugis. Never been to that side of bugis before. Reminds me of the night market in Taipei. Price around the same too. Think i have more than enuff clothes to last me till i ord. haha.... might wanna reshuffle my wardrobe then.

I have a fellow colleague retaking his As this year. Maths among his Arts subs. So i decided to mug with him. It was back to basics for me. Formulas, steps and concepts no longer at my fingertips. And i find it very hard to sit down, a pen in hand, writing. Thinking. Memorising.

It really was hard. But it was a start. Was staring into space most of the time. And to think this was just maths.... JC maths. Wait till physics, chemistry and life sciences come into the picture when uni starts.

Guess its time i start to change for the better.

There's a first for everything

2007-06-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

Looked at my watch. It was half past midnight.

Took out my key quietly and unlocked the gate.... making minimal noise.

Opened the door slowly and then closed it slowly. Locked it, latched it. And i'm in.

Tip toed my way towards my room. Saw that the tv in my mama's room was still on.

AND THERE SHE WAS!!

......sleeping soundly. The tv was watching her. Switched the tv off, kiss her goodnight and went to my room.

yesterday

2007-06-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

fort siloso. NE - it just never ends. hmmm..... been like lots and lots of year since i went there. Lots of changes and it's still changing. Didnt noe they had peacocks walking around. Tot only the zoo had such things. Didnt noe peacocks could fly too!

my first to vivo. Big place. Never got the chance to explore coz was rushing for time. Saw an orange lamboghini there. Got to be THE dream car of the year.

Well dont ask me why i write the way i write. Like everything's so superficial.

I wake up. Brush my teeth. Ate breakfast. Watch cartoons. Play computer game. Sleep. Shower. TV. Computer. In other words, uninteresting.

I read blogs and these kind of entries are kindof boring.

Guess there's a link between how someone feels and how someone writes. I think im bored.

today

2007-05-31T20:24:00.000-07:00

wenta visit my grandma. heard a conversation about the two deaths at seletar reservoir. And an interesting story.

The story goes like this.... Whenever a previously unused water body/place is suddenly being opened up for public use like the new centre at Lower Seletar Reservoir for water sports, the spirit of the area will claim 3-7 victims as a sacrifice for using it's territory. Spooky story but coming from relatives who used to live by the sea..... makes it somewhat believable.

And my mama was saying that when we first moved in to my home in sembawang, there's a few cases of kids dislocating their arms and legs while playing at the playground. I remember those incidents but didnt really think it was something abnormal. She says that is how thing's work.

Cool huh.

And there's also this talk about the elusive white crocodile who had played it's role in finding the two bodies which were only found the next day. One of which partially submerged 50m from where the kayak capsized. Been hearing stories about this white crocodile since i was young and after so long, im still hearing stories about it. Brought it up to my grandma. My mama told me the crocodile is old. Asked my grandma if it would die. She said it will never die. And i was like..... ok.... both were talking like it really exist. I believe it exist.

But sadly nothing much surfaced when i googled about the croc.

I'll be keeping this in mind when using new facilities at new places.

Camera I

2007-05-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

Though lots happened, there's nothing much that i can really say.

Ever since i came back, ive been busy googling about the incident and was expecting people who were there to write about it. Surprisingly there was only 2. The first was pretty harmless but the second which i found today was rather disturbing.

Been warned of guys like me doing random searches over the net. And the consequences of saying more than you should can be bad for your records. Which is why im staying low.

I brought along a digicam of mine for my r&r in taipei. First time using it. Took lots of pictures at first but sadly most arent proper. Like this one...

And this one...
And this one ......

And after 1 day of taking pictures, i was lying on my bed in the hotel room looking at my snaps and i was shocked to see the end results. Then i decided to take snapshots of my hotel room to see what could have gone wrong so that im able to capture better pics on my last day of r&r.

The sink ....
The toilet.... and bathtub..
Realised that my technique was wrong. Tried a new way.

The bed....
The windows....

And the sink...
And this marked the beginning of better pictures.

Sunny Hot Singapore

2007-05-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

Hello there. Feels good to be back home.

I remember telling my mama that i wouldnt be calling her for the next 16 days prior to my departure and that there's nothing to worry about and that nothing would happen. That i have been there and done that. But who would have expected the bird?

Ive been calling her ever since and stopped before my handphone bill burns a hole in my pocket.

Was a nice guy. Always seeing him around in camp. Happy. Hardworking. My heart and prayers to him and his family.

NEXT STOP:

2007-05-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

Chiang Kai Shek International Airport.

S3

2007-05-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

Watched spidey 3 today at suntec (the platoon were given free tickets). Great movie. First time i wenta suntec. At first i didnt had a clue where suntec was, though ive read about it in the newspaper some years back. My men was like saying i was like a frog under a coconut shell but i guess it's ok to be one coz this frog's been to suntec. It was only a matter of time before the frog gets out.

One of the rare times i go out........ and whenever i go out on outings like this, i see people and places, i see the stuffs ive been missing out on. And i feel like...... the frog. ahha...

But i know this is how i choose to live my life, till i feel that the time is right to start enjoying life. Until then, i shall enjoy life from the comforts of my home.

less of the old stuff

2007-04-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

i think this post will be less of how i dread spending weekends or how im stuck in the same old room or how ive been at home ever since i came back from camp.... even though all this is still true.

ive been thinking about the course im taking. The more i talk to people, the more i dun feel like doing civil engineering. Realised that im not really really looking forward to doing CvE. Ive been thinking .......

......i wanna do sthg that i wanna look forward to. Sthg like how i always look forward to booking in to camp. I like doing what i do back in camp -- lets just say its a very challenging job. And i just have this feeling that i wun be THIS enthusiastic -- should i choose to do civil engineering.

Which brings me to the question of my alternative to civil engineering.

Ive been thinking about doing something related to the social world. Psychology, counselling, social work........... working with kids, troubled teens, addicts, families...... in schools, hospitals, childcare centres.......... helping people in need, help them find the light at the end of the tunnel....
HR.......

This might sound weird coz i may not seem like the people kind. But im starting to feel and believe that this is something i'd like.

So been doing some reading about SimU. Looks like a school that i could be in. But the minimum age is 21. meaning that i can only enter on january 2009. Which would also mean that i can work for 1 year.... Now im just a lil unsure about the course fees. Or if i could get some financial assistance.

Hope i'll be doing what i want to do in future instead of what the uni decides for me.........

On Off...

2007-04-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

Will start writing when i stop writing about the same old things.

the friends

2007-04-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

i am so so bad at remembering names. Met 2 of my friends while on duty the other day. They were my course mates for 2 months exactly a year ago. And while they remembered me(coz i was quite high profile for both the right and wrong reasons) and my name, i remembered them, but not their names. So we talked for some 10 minutes or so asking which unit each other're at and what they're doin and stuff... and i still couldnt figure out their names.

anws, and update to my own self. Life's been no different. Yet one of the many book out days confined within the four blue walls of my room. My brothers' seem a lil taller. And they are no longer the brothers i used to be able to hug and kiss all the time. The only one person who still loves me is my dear mama. Helping me to wash my army clothes even though i clearly told her i would do it myself... haha... making sure there's food to eat. And sometimes i feel she is not being loved as much as she deserved by my siblings. Sad to know that sometimes kids forget the hardship parents go through to raise their children. The least one could do is show some appreciation and respect.

Wished i could spend more time at home. Wished i could do more than just bring home $702 a month. Only then would i wish for a lil bit more time to spend with my friends.

....so that i could at least remember their names.

the compliment

2007-04-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

I was giving advice to this soldier of mine on the bus back from duty. This soldier is one of the men under me. A hard to handle character that i'm determined to change. He got punished for some mistakes he's made. Ive successfully manage to convince my superiors to lighten his punishment. It was hard fighting his case and am glad i was convincing.

So after advising him of what he should do, how to avoid not getting picked by people and things that he should and should not do ...... he told me sthg. He told me, "sgt, u know what my dad works as on a part time basis?" How would i know right? He told me, "A councillor." And i was like boy his dad should try council his son like asap. And then he told me that i sound exactly like his father.

I take it as a compliment. Surprised that i was able to give him sound advise. But all i did was to put myself in his shoes and tell him what i would wanna hear if i was in his place. But mostly i knew exactly how he must've felt coz ive been in the situation before. Being alone ... picked on.... made fun off... I keep my emotions to myself. He lets everything out. Which is detrimental to himself since this is the army.

well looking into doing this sort of thing in future. Helping others. Giving advice. But before i can do that, i need to start helping my own self and giving me my own advice.

well then....

changes...

2007-04-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Life then and now is really more or less the same. Then i go home straight after school. Now i go home straight after work. Then i spend my weekends at home and now too. And it has been like this then and it still is now.

Of course the subtle changes.

Like how my sister and brothers have changed in terms of behaviour. According to mama my brothers and slowly behaving like my sister... which isnt good news. Not saying tt behaving like me is good either.

What im gonna do with my life. How im going to go about with my life. What my brothers' gonna do with their life. My sister's too. Should i work? Should i go uni?

Should i buy a new com? Is it worth it? Will it spike up my electricity bill? I want to learn driving but is it nescessary? $2000 off my savings is like a lot.

How am i spending my money? Are they put to good use? Am i wasting unnescessarily?

Subtly, subconciously only the stuffs i think about have changed.

Now is still too early to feel big changes. Changes will be more obvious once im out of army on my own. And if i choose to study .... that is when i think all the problems will slowly start to creep out....

vista

2007-03-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

and so i bought a new cpu. couldnt take it anymore. and the fact that my brothers need to do homework sort of made me decide. Almost a month's pay gone... but i hope it'll be a good investment for the future.

i find that depriving myself of temptations like buying a com or eating a prosperity meal is subconciously driving my anxiety level up.... and i heard it kills.. So a bit of retail therapy kinda soothes me a little. Its hard to not spend even though i know that it may be hard to get if i ever need that money some day in the future ....

this week's been all about lessons in ethics. The consequences of doing the morally right thing. Had this navigation exercise and me and my men found all 5 checkpoints. One of them is Moon. So ran into 2 other details from my platoon and they happened to be having a hard time looking for Moon and decided to get the answer from me (there are numbers to note down at each checkpoint). Me having led my men for hours up and down hills and across streams and stuff decided that they should feel how we felt when we couldnt find a particular checkpoint for 2 hours.

And the consequence was for the next few days, i was boycotted by the platoon for "not wanting to help own people". So now its back to square 1: winning back their hearts.

sleep eat com tv sleep eat com tv. my weekends' killing me....

Cant seem to type anything... except in this title box. Sis laptop is gone for one month servicing. My own pc's been hit by a virus i think.

2007-03-24T08:01:00.001-07:00

home at last

2007-03-16T18:59:00.001-07:00

been missing home while in camp amidst all the fun that i had. occasional running, night badminton sparring sessions, gym.. tv... fooling around...

then once home, glad to finally see my mama. And my brothers whom i immediately irritate by hugging them only to realise that the spare tyres that were once nice to hug are no longer there. Its like hugging a pillow tt has lost half its cotton. Now i understand why my mama was making such a fuss when i lost half my cotton.

of course theres the family tension between my sister and my mama. used to be both dad's and mama's enemy number one. now has become my mama's. what's the use of saying u love someone when all you do is just to hurt her feelings? Maybe she's waiting for the loss of one more before she realises her foolishness, her unnescessary display of her attitude. Sometimes i wish my dad was around to barge into her room and smash her laptop into pieces whenever she refuses to give me internet access despite my being at home for less than 48 hours....

now i understand why dad gets preety angry after a long day at work only to find kids who do not appreciate the work he's done. All he asks for is some respect.

of course it gets fairly stressful and depressing to be in this pair of shoes. All i shall do is to wait for the clock to tell me it's time to book in back to camp....

2007-03-10T06:40:00.001-08:00

End of 4 days off. Never really did went anywhere except for grandma's twice. Dun really recall doing much of anything. Got some feet irritation so cant really do much running or what not. ANd what a waste that i got my off this week instead of next coz i just realized tt next week's their march hols.

Thinking of applying civil engin nus. Have i said this before? Cant remember. THink i shall apply next weekend.

Mind's filled with lots of stuff rite now. Work, family, school, future. Cant stop thinking coz there' s really no answer to most of it. There's no end. No closure. Sometimes i wish my dad was still around. So that at least i wun have to shoulder everything alone. Now all i can do is talk to people and there's only that much talking can do.

that said, im still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I Am @ Youth.SG

2007-03-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

A lil late i must say but this is for an ipod.

When I think youth in Singapore, I think happy bunch of people. And I think music.

But funny thing is music isn’t part of me. The only time I listen to the latest songs is when I take the lift to the library at Sun Plaza or when I buy bread at 7-11. Or during the time I see idols-to-be sing on Idol. Or scarily, through the earphones of the kid standing opposite me on the train on my way to camp.

I guess I was raised to be among a strange breed of youth – youth who do not download songs religiously and listen to them playing over and over again, while memorising their lyrics like they’re in some singing competition or something. Hmm.. maybe they are…

So, here I am trying to win and Ipod so that at the age of almost 20, I can learn songs and be the one guy other kids listen to when they watch Idol. You’ll never know…. And if I do get it, I sure like to see the jealous look on my siblings’ faces! But since i wear whatever they have, they can have whatever i have too... what goes around, goes around, goes around, Comes all the way back around...

Yup kind of like whatever Justin's songs ive heard so far... Keane has beautiful songs and corrinne may's songs are simply wonderful. And heard she's singaporean.. Wanted to share a video i saw. Cute little kids in a US school singing her song. Cant wait to see more of us achieving something like that. Who says Singapore artiste cant make it big? Right? Hope it inspires youths inclined towards music to work hard towards making their dreams a reality. =)

Been looking thru the blogs on the site and i must say tt some are preety good. Like there's always the few that are in a league of their own. Guess i too could reach a certain level if i tried. So here i am taking my first step. My first step out of my comfort zone.

Hmmm… that said, I enjoyed writing this piece. Win or lose I’m glad I published.

i am @ youth.sg

2007-03-04T23:38:00.001-08:00

Some friend of mine sent me an email abt this competition. I checked out their site and the prizes were not bad... and they actually showed real people winning the prizes.. psp, handphone, camera... So yea, was a lil tempted to join. But then again, i am no competition kind of person. Im the kind who prefers to stay under the radar(ie. stay at home) I wouldnt want to make myself known to the public. Its just so not me.

Saw entries by people who wrote in. Read entries of past winners. And youths really do blog. The grand prize of this comp's a macbook.

Looking back at my past entries, the one abt the$1499 computer, how laaaag- ing my com has become.. it slowly sank into me that the mail from the friend was an opportunity.... a chance to get a new com without having to fork out a single cent. All i need to do is write an entry about what iam@youth.sg means to me. And if i write ok, people will vote for my entry and hopefully id be the one who brings home the macbook.

So then come the question of what are the odds of me winning? What if i lose? WOuld that make me a lousy blogger? Who would vote for me? I only have a handful of friends.

But i seem to have become a slightly different person havin been thru my fair share of hard times. Id like to think more along the line of Why not just submit an entry and get people to read it and see what they think about it? If they like it, they vote. If not, at least they know where to go to see how im doing.

I kind of like this quote by Robert J sternberg : No matter how gifted you are analytically, you will not become successful unless you publish. And to publish, you must work hard at writing about creative and innovative ideas." (Adapted from The Millionaire Mind by Thomas J Stanley)

I guess i'll never know how good or how bad i write unless i publish. So having said that, this entry might very well be an intro to how i started writing an entry with the goal of going home with a macbook at the end of the day.

And if i do write, spread the word. Vote for me. haha ... and if ive moved at least one of you bloggers to blog too, im glad to know ive made the competition a lil more competitive...

Well then, look out for updates. Gotta book in right about now.

Smille always. And always always always ..... look on the bright side of life.

laaaagg

2007-03-04T09:38:00.001-08:00

my com's recovering slowly. Took me four hours to breathe life into the modem. But now the com is rather laggy. No multiple tabs for me now. More than 2 tabs and the system will go into a brief state of coma. But it still is better than nothing.

Went to play soccer this morning will the old guys of anderson sec. Poor fitness. Messy play. We're starting back from scratch. Then had lunch and talked about what else but army. Hmm... sensitive issue. I'd advise people against blogging about sensitive stuffs on your blog.

Its been a very very long while since i met up with them. WHich means that its been a lagi very very long while since i met tauhid and nizar... Soon yea?..

life's been more or less fun while in camp. Days at home simply reminds me of reality.

well then. till next time.

What goes around comes all the way back around

2007-02-27T13:43:00.000-08:00

All the maths and science i know are now six feet under whatever brain i have left. Realised this when my cousin wanted me to teach him complex number -- which was kind of one of those topics i was skilled in. And my brain was two or three pentium slower when it comes to processing simple trigo. Like how to convert angles from degrees to radian.

Scary...

And Lets not ask where's all my chemistry...

While teaching my cousin, i came to a realization that working and studying isnt applicable to me. Im the kind who give my all in only one thing. So splitting my all into two seperate jobs isnt my thing. It'll be either full-time study or full-time working. And if i do go back to school, the only tutees that i will teach are my two bros who have been preety much left to "self study" ie. Studying for exam the next day during the adverts in between The Amazing Race.

Was reading Today this morning. (Realised the news inside are of almost the same quality as ST.) Anws, came across this advert on one of the page. Some dentist advert. "You could be just 7 days away from a designer smile" was what caught my eyes. Ok... maybe it was the set of teeths that was more or less like mine. So checked out their site smiledesignstudio.info and everything seemed to good to be true. Of course theres the price... $800 per tooth. Which means to say that having that beautiful smile shall continue to be a dream. haahah.. Guess it is every kids dream to look beautiful no matter how old you are...

** I see ur true colors shining thru**

The dove advertisement about kids with low self esteem suddenly comes to mind.

finally discussed how much mama actually need for a month. While mama was washing the dishes, she told me what she pays for and i wrote down everything on paper (typical me). And bills and my bros and sister's allowance amount to an estimated $460. Those of you who have eyes of an eagle will see that ive not included my mama's allowance.

So i cheekily asked her is $40 enough to feed the family for a month. A rhetorical question. Soalan cepu emas.

The answer was a laughter. So I decided on a budget of $90 to feed everyone. Im also hoping no one gets sick coz what im giving her doesnt include trips to the doctor. And i really cannot up my offer. (Thinking of removing my toilet's light bulb to cut cost)

So let me do the maths with you guys(my maths is buried 6 ft under remember?)

Income - Insurance - mama's share = my final allowance
$702.50 - $50.70 - $550 = $101.80

So i'll be getting $1.80 more than my sister. Minus $40 transport. I'll be getting $10 more than what my brothers will be getting a month each. Of course my meals are free but still....

I still need to save, if not for school for my marriage... haha... and mama said i would need at least $30k b4 even thinking about marriage. And im also thinking about a laptop to replace my wounded pc, a set of nice teeth, a driving license, and the prosperity meal at McDonalds..haha.. maybe there's a reason why i was groomed to be the stay home guy with no life afterall.

Kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang.

Loved writing karangan peribahasa during my memorable secondary school days. I wonder if my malay is still as smooth flowing as it used to be.

And the 50+ mama of mine wants to find a job in the near future. Close your eyes and ask yourself where can u find 50 somethings working? I can only think of cleaners and tuckshop auntie. but upping her allowance by $250 should be enuff for her to set aside thoughts of finding a job. I wouldnt want to see her working at this age too.... Lucky us we have savings to eat into if we really really need extra...

So to the kids reading my blog, life is really full of ups and downs... and all one like me can do is to smoothly surf up and down and up and down and not fall off....

... and always remember that life is more than just laptop, fine set of teeth and chicken prosperity meal...

THis week

2007-02-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

well like always, nothing spectacular happened. Except for the change in blog template. Was "exploring" the "new" blogger functions and there goes my old template. It takes time to reedit templates, now tt i dun have the com all to myself, so i''ll have to make do with what i have now.

Been thinking about alot of stuff. Stuff that i want to sit and slowly write.

Came across some document i typed out quite some time ago. And i really dun remember some of the stuffs i wrote. And reading it for the second "first time", i found it rather amusing. How time really flies. The things i used to think about when i was a year or two younger... Kind of full of nonsense... hhaha...

Thinking about it, i kind of miss being in school. Being around friends. Though i preety much am the spectator in school. But still....

but thinking about the project, and homework, and books.... made me think about it again..

oh well....

bored

2007-02-20T04:10:00.001-08:00

24hrs to my next book in. why so soon?

1/2 my day gone spending time at my grandma's place. Told her to count five days before my next visit. Now that im back at home, ive really got nothing to do.

Been thinking of stuffs i could do to keep me occupied.

Swimming(trying to learn how to), squash, table tennis, badminton, computer games anything...

And the saying it takes two to tango comes to mind. (unless i get nintendo's wii)

Did think of finding out what maths(read: mess?) i might be getting myself into if i go uni so that i could learn on my own and kill time solving equations..... but this would further isolate me from the world.

NOTE to self: living without a PERSONAL computer kills.
(might get one soon.......)

Take care .... hope to see you guys soon......

a month into the new year

2007-02-11T00:56:00.000-08:00

Bowled for the first time in my life during company cohesion. Got my first strike. Bowling's quite fun afterall.

Thought about reapplying my uni course. Thinking of getting a course in NUS instead of NTU. NUS is much closer. Any idea how i could go about reapplying?

Happen to be at the new Harvey Norman at Novena mrt last sat and i saw my dream computer. $1499. Its like a quarter of whatever i have gone. Of course i was a bit frustrated that it could only be my dream computer... but i guess ive become one of many who can only afford to look.

I have a problem. When im frustrated, i tend to spend. Spending becomes like therapy. It makes me feel as if my life is still like others. That i can still afford to buy stuffs. Of course the only thing that i spend on would be can drinks, and the occassional nasi lemak at the canteen on days when breakfast at the cookhouse is not up to standard.

Deployment starts again this tuesday morning. Will be on off from tues night till thurs night. And the 4 days work cycle resumes for a month.

I borrowed a book about design and structure for architecture. maybe it might give me a hint of what i would be learning when school starts next year. But not surprisingly, it's giving me headaches. Not the contents but more of the whole idea of studying that's disturbing me. Perhaps i gotta start getting used to reading soon. Also relooked at the courses i might want to reconsider taking and suddenly i realise that im no longer as keen as i used to be.

Was reading my friend's Men's health mag and saw this stat which says that a person's brain cells die faster when one is alone than when one is around people. Quite scary huh?

Oh im not as sad as i may come across to be. Im still the guy who talks alot , watches a lot of Tv, read books, write stuffs, plan stuffs and stuffs like that. And yes im still the guy who seldom goes out. Ive calculated: I wanna try put aside $16 for transport. $4 to and back from camp 4 times a week.

have a nice day!

mememememe

2007-01-28T05:27:00.001-08:00

i got 3 days off. spent all 3 days either at home or at my grandma's. Mostly at home.

Mama just got back on monday. So things been back to normal. Well all except ytd's experience which was paranormal. haha.... imagine receiving a card which has the word sixth sense written on it. and the things he do includes removing evil spirits from your body, from your house, and... i forgot the last one.

well in this day and age, who really does believe in such things...

Human relation skills being perfected back in camp. How different ways of talking leads to different results. Like how i can push someone to his limits without him losing his cool.... and also how others may not be suitable to this sort of treatment. I could also treat someone nice and get results but i could treat someone nice and they would end up stepping on my head. Right now im still the sergeant who talks too much...... haha...

yet to sit down and plan my map yet. maybe now that i've mentioned it, i'll go and get it done right away.

Terrence steadman is dead. I wonder how scofield and burrows can prove their innocence.... Cant wait for episode 15.

Double doze...

2007-01-20T23:13:00.000-08:00

i noe i noe the answer but sometimes i just cant help but wonder why i am the way i am?

i noe i can be the best of friends and the best of brothers and the best of sergeants and the best of boyfriends and the best of husbands and the best of fathers and the best of anything but im just not being any of these.

why i dun like to go out. why i dun like to hang out with people who arent my younger brothers or why dun i like to spend or why u dun like to do this and that. i noe i can do all this but why dun i want to?

why dont i want to take the first step. why dun i want to take the next step. why do i take two steps backwards after taking one step forward.

why cant i be normal. why cant i be like other people. why cant i not be i?

why am i not afraid that i may lose my friends if i keep staying in my own shell? ahkim's words never fail to play in my head but i simply do not worry.

is it because im never around friends to be afraid of losing them? i sound like im a selfcentered individualistic guy. but i noe im not.

questions questions questions.....

im in the process of making myself a map. a path for me to take from now till the day i could live without a plan.

=)

Life without...

2007-01-20T10:06:00.000-08:00

....dad.....

No more strong income coming in. Which means very few eating outside sessions. Very few shopping trips. Very few new clothes, new shoes, new bags. No more transport to bring us around. Which means taking public transport. Watching money goes by tap after tap. Taking way too long a time than we used to. Discipline. No one that can actually maintain our household discipline. No dad means no limitations. My sister's having the time of her life.

...mama....

No more no one to look after me when i fall ill. The someone who has the answers to everything. The chef. So no her means no food. Or food must be bought. No one to tell stories to. No one to tell us what to do... like wake up early... dun come back home late.... pray. No one to remind us that there's at least one person in the world who loves us.

Mama's coming back in 2 days. But id only see her days after that when i book out. I have had dreams i wished would not happen. Dreams that only make me start to love her more. I want her to come back so that i have less to worry about.

Right now, I have a goal.... a goal that id want to start working towards from now on.... i wanna be able to own a ferrari by age 25.

As for a more reasonable goal, id like to have the computer in my own room repaired. So that i can blog more often. And thoughts can flow at a much faster rate. That way my english improves and my brain gets the exercise it needs.

A post for the new year

2007-01-01T02:33:00.000-08:00

one month without writing... a surprise even for me...

the writer me used to write stuffs... tell stories... wonders alot...and dream a lot...

not now. Or should i say not at the time being.

Ive become a bit more pragmatic. Daydream less, more action.

My perspective of life, my life, has changed. An extra value meal hurts. 4 extra value meals is a no no. It's cheaper to get 4 packets of chicken rice. I never understood why parents had that way of thinking.... till recently.

How much am i spending? How much my family is spending? How much am i earning? Are we spending more than what i earn? How can we cut our expenditure? Should i work on weekends? Should i plan for the future? How far ahead ? 5 years? 10 years?

Questions that i never thought id think about had been thought thru. Well the answers to those questions would be splashed all over here if i was still the old me. But the new me says that some things are just meant to be confidential. But i have thought things thru, as far as the next 10 years. And rest assured that on paper, things shouldnt be too bad. So im worrying lesser now.

Living without a dad is bad enough, but without both ur mum and dad... its really bad. My mama's off for a month for the pilgrimage leaving us 4 at home alone. Me being in camp for 5 out of 7 days leaves them 3 at home alone. No one cooks... Besides eggs and maggie... So its just what u see is what u get. Wonder how long they can survive on bread and kaya. We could always go to our aunt's place to eat but nothing beats my mama's cooking. Wells looking at them i wonder how they'll live thru this few weeks. Can they manage their money well? What will they be spending their money on? What time would they sleep? Would my sis be using the com all night long since theres no one to restrict her? Who will sweep the floor and clean the toilet and water the plants now that there's no one to either do or reminds us to do? Have we really learnt so much from our mama that we'll take more initiatives on our own?

If only i get a penny for every thought that i think about...

Dun wanna talk too much. So ill try to end.

A new year means new resolutions.

I want to be a good dad. And i want my mama to be happy. And i want to start being happy with what i am and what i have.

Also gotta apologise if im starting to drift apart from u guys... I can only hope that time can make things back to how it was before.....

Take care. Have a good year ahead.

It's been so long

2006-11-27T17:28:00.000-08:00

Hey there... had been quite some time since i wrote here.

Realised that im slowly becoming a man of many words. Hope it is not a bad thing.

Im doing well... life's been ok. Spending too much time in camp, too little time as a family.

My life is spiralling downwards. A lil bit too boring. A little dead. I need psychological help.

I miss the past. Where there's that little bit more life in my life. I cant really think right now. Mind's a mess.

My room's a mess.

Yet to plan my life yet. The next 1 year. Hope i wun be in the same state as now.

I need to wake up. Shall wake up now. Shall wake up now.

Many words. Writing down what's running thru my mind. No story to share. No events to note down.

Just random thoughts.

Im drowning in an ocean of endless thoughts.

Maybe im stuck in a maze somewhere in my mind.

Slowly i shall bring myself out of this mess.

haha... just one of those entries you would write on a cloudy day.

Till next time. =)

2006-11-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

There's just nothing to write so far....

looking back

2006-10-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

Its funny reading back what i wrote in the past and not believing that i actually wrote what i wrote.

Embarassing? Dumb? Hurtful? Illogical? Dumb? Rash?

Well. Looking back. I kinda like it.

Selamat Hari Raya ya guys..

2006-10-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

Wells, spent ytd overnight at TTSH wif my grandma. I just cant see her spending the morning of hari raya alone. And besides, I wun be able to do this for long.

Went for prayers and came back. Waited and waited and no one came. Expected mama to be the first one there so when it seems like she's taking her own sweet time there, i became very disappointed in her. Mustve forgotten that her son and mother's there. She was the fourth to reach. So much for not going to my aunt's place. And im feeling like a fool caring so much for my grandma. That's why some times i wish id be less emo. But dennagain, guess grandma means alot more to me than to others.

Have you ever reach the point when you'd rather lose someone you love than to see him or her suffer?

I have. Twice.

So after mama came, i was sitting there looking at my grandma. And the mood to like celebrate Hari Raya totally vanished. So i decided to head home coz i dun want to leave with the knowledge that my grandma will be left alone. So well, wun be celebrating so long as she's still suffering. So long as she's there alone. Will try to be by her side so long as shes still breathing, so long as im free. Or at least till i get bored of looking after her.

Looking after the aged.... realised its physically and mentally challenging. Now i understand why most dump theirs in the homes.

This totally rash entry speaks a lot about myself. Me spending almost the entire day alone at home speaks alot about me. That i'm not yet ready to be saluted. That it's too early to call me mature with a v in front. I had mentioned that i would be crushed today and mama be utterly depressed yet ive yet to shed a single tear. No sadness no happiness no nothing. Its as if everything's being pent up inside. Miserable hari raya. Wonder how next year will be like. whether id have the chance to be by my grandma. Or my mother for that matter. Dun worry about me. This is afterall just a blog. Where things might be a bit exagerated(did i spell it right?) and no one can really tell. And u noe how i write. Thats what i'll always say...

But nevertheless, Selamat hari raya... my profound apologies had/have/should any of my past present or future entries hurt u in one way or another.

Eye exercise

2006-10-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

She's a very special someone. Stories of her taking care of me when i was a baby. Me and her when mama's working. Me and her and durian ice cream. Me and her and grocery shopping. Me and her and many many happy memories. I remember as a kid she kept reminding me to pray. And i prayed. Always did what she wanted me to do. Never once do i want to hurt her feelings.And i remember me asking God to make sure she lives a long life...long enough to see my child. And how things seemed to be going just fine. Till yesterday. She had a stroke. Brought back memories. Cant bear to imagine what'll happen sooner or later. Not after what happened to my father.

Course ended late ytd so I could only come today. A look at her and the battle started. I was struggling to keep my cheeks dry. Sat beside my mama and looked at my one and only. How it reminded me of 4 mths ago sitting by my dad. But then i wasnt crying. Now i was. Fought so hard not to tear. Soldiers dun tear. And mama wasnt helping me by rubbing my back and brushing her hand thru my hair and passing me tissues after tissues. And thoughts of losing her playing in my mind didnt help either. Im not ready to lose her. So i cried.

Was touched that when i come to see her, she looked at me and cupped my face with one hand. She remembers me. Kept asking myself why. Why now? Why her? Please.... anyone but my grandma.

And before we left, she asked me to sleepover by her side. As much as i wanted to, i didnt coz my course dun end till friday. I remember how we went home after visiting my dad only to receive a call the next morning. I dun want a repeat. Not with my grandma. Told her ill stay with her this friday and satuday and sunday... a promise i hope i will keep. And I hope i would not be too late.

I have yet to take u out. Used to think that i would one day ask u out and we could drive around in my car, going to some nice restaurant. I have yet to buy you the most beautiful baju kurung for Hari Raya. How happy i would be if she wore what i bought. You have yet to see my child, see him grow. How i wish u could make my dream come true. Love u with all my heart. My grandma.

Guess things happen for a reason.

random couple of lines

2006-10-17T01:43:00.000-07:00

A lil uninspired to write tonight but being online means i have to write sthg. Hmm.... This came today: the sudden urge to learn how to drive.

Mama kept asking if we wanna go Geylang look see look see and i keep telling her its very far and buses and trains are quite leceh and some other excuses. Truth is, we've never been there on our own before. Its always been enter the van and sleep for half an hour or so, wake up and tadaaaa... reached our destination. And kept thinking of the visitings we ll be doing this year round and on the record, we'll be going to grandma's only. Unless relatives want to tumpang us around but mama keeps reminding us what my father used to always say "Jangan suka mengharap". Dun ever hope for things to happen. I think... my malay-english translation abit rusty.

So my point being, if somehow or rather i could drive, Hari Raya would be a lil bit more fun for us.

8 days to Raya and theres nooo kuih in sight. No potato chips or whatever stuffs we used to have. ANd my aunty decided not to bake this year so NO KUIH! And when i asked my mama why, she asked me why? ... Why? Are ur frens coming again this year? And i just said, 8 days to Raya ... shouldnt we have at least something beside drinks to offer if people come. Speaking of drinks, dun think we bought syrup yet. What we have is just for personal consumption. Mama just dun seem to want to take the initiative to i dunnoe... do sthg? Yet to really clean up the house. Everyday's like any other day in the calender. Nvm... this year's will be the trial period for future Hari Rayas. =)

And no raya songs on the radio too!!! Apparently mama gets really sad when she hear the songs being played. And frankly, i get super sad too when i hear the especially nice but sad songs. Even when my men sing a line or two, my mind will wander. Emo.. haha...

Oh.... i realised Hari Raya Haji we'll be celebrating just the 4 of us. Finally can watch cartoons in the morning? haha... Hope we know what to do ...

Really really sorry if i keep writing about this sorta stuffs over and over again. Seriously not asking for sympathisers nor am i in the self pity mode.

I think what im kind of driving at is this..... Good things dun last forever. Dun take what u have for granted. Really treasure ur loved ones. oh i wish i could really hug and kiss my dad and wish him Selamat Hari Raya and ask for forgiveness... just one more time.

my most special k

2006-10-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

speechless. touched.

It's really really really comforting to know there are people out there who care. I know they care but not to such extent. Shared my find with mama to share them with her. Actually, she found it first. Found it at our doorstep. It was more than the belated card i was expecting.

Guess stuffs like this serve as a reminder to me that ive got people who want to see me move on and make it in life... so that i could one day repay their kindness. Wells, the latter's my hope.

Again am truly touched. I could never thank u all enough. The people whom i didnt really know that well.

Ive found the word....

2006-10-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

...to describe myself as of dunnoe when.

Uninspired.

Yes i could just still be in the Project Runway mode coz the girl was eliminated as her model's dress lacked inspiration. I think it was simple and had preety shades of green. Might be too simple to be on Elle mags though.
And the guy Bradley was on the brink of forfeiting coz his original plan could not be put into action coz of some sewing difficulties... So he had to rework his original plan. And in the end, he made something that was OBVIOUSLY last minute work yet he received good words from all the judges which shocked me and my brothers and Bradley himself. Guess me and fashion is a no no.

Man i sounding so ... so unlike me. Im suppose to be "dead".

As i was saying, as of dunnoe when, ive been feeling uninspired to live. By that i dun mean death. By that i mean living life. Coz ive been hanging out with my men at my MG post. Talked to them and all either had a significant other or are still "in process". They do go out with friends when they book out. They dare to tease girls on the train. Or the few female sergents in camp. What else constitutes to living life?

But dennagain me, i didnt really had a life then, when i had the chance to. And after what recently happened to my family, there's no longer an I in the word life. (I as in me and not the letter) There's only us. Mama sis bros and lastly me. A lil unfair coz im only 18. Coz someone used to tell me that 21 is when i get my key to freedom. How can i be free? Oops... what am i saying. Im not 18. Used to be 18. Cant be bothered to even remember my own age.

Anyways, wenta the bank with mama today. She wanted to put me under joint account so either one of us could withdraw money from the bank..... Wanted to put my name in her investments too. Just in case one of us bids farewell to this world. Mama keeps telling us 25th Dec will be her last day coz that's when she's going to perform the Haj with my dad... or so she keeps telling us. And i always laughed it off whenever she says that but deep down, after what's happened, i know anything can happen. Any day can be anyone's last day. So i just "played" along with my mama and keep telling my bros whenever they make mama angry to just please please please behave till she's gone. She'll be gone soon. And my bros would give me the "mama wun leave us this soon" look.

REally hopes that God would look after her when she's there. We arent old enough to be without someone to guide us. Ive yet to learn how to cook. She just cannot leave us. But if she does, ive got to think like ive never think before.

2 weeks to hari raya and mama's already indicated she's not keen on celebrating. Will just be going to my grandma's place -- this time we need the ez-link. There's no talk about what color will we be wearing this year. THere's no night shopping at Geylang. No can drinks in the fridge. No porridge during breakfast. Thing's has been different since he left. No more WOW! food. Just simple food. I no longer bother about what i eat at home. As long as i dun go hungry at the end of the day. Even if i do go hungry, i always tell myself that i could always eat tomorrow.

Hari Raya prayers would just be with me and my bros. And we'll haveta walk. Cant wait for that day to come. And feel what i imagined i would feel. I imagine that i'll be crushed that morning. When it's time to seek forgiveness from the parents... there'll be a seat empty. A seat that i'd have to take. And if im feeling crushed, mama would be devastated. If i cant hold back the tears as i'm writing, how could i hold back the tears when that day arrives.

Slowly im realising that i do have a life. I do have a story. A different kind of life. A different kind of story. My life is not about me and my significant other, spending time chasing and teasing girls on the bus or train... going out and having fun. etc etc. My life shall be about a young man who has to step into his dad's shoes so early in his life and no single day passes by without him thinking about how they're going to live through the days together.

Argh finally.... a typical entry by me.

I dream...

2006-10-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

I was on a train station somewhere in Japan (dun ask me why Japan) -- deciding on where to go -- when i suddenly woke up. Yes it was a dream.

A dream i wish would never end.

Dep

2006-09-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

U look at the ships and the ships look back at you. U look at the sea and the sea looks back at you.

And after 12 hours .... ping pong time! haha... im improving!!

Haveta admit that i was feeling really down the past few days .... For no particular reason whatsoever. But being around my guys , playing tabletennis and xbox, is slowly making me happier...

And im even more happy that i'll be off duty on Hari Raya!... yups... till next time.

A new beginning

2006-09-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

The start of the fasting month has always been about new beginnings. Wanting to make this year's ramadhan better than last year's and what better way to start the month off with new that my mama wanted to perform the Haj. She'll be leaving sometime in december.... for 30 days.. that's what my bro told me.

My first reaction was "HUH?" coz i just got back home from live firing ytd midnite when the news reached me. My brother told me while mama was standing next to him.

Next was "Why?" which was a dumb qn to ask but still ..... there wasnt any talk abt her wanting to go before ytd night. So it was kindof a shock. She told me her reason. Only me and my siblings would understand.

Next was "With who?" to which she replied alone.

"Alone?"

"Yes alone."

"Why?"

No reply. None was needed anw. Was a dumb qn.

Final qn, "How much?" to which she replied $9000. And it was only then that i was feeling happy for my mum. Im proud of her too. After what's just happen, she's leaving us for a mth. We ve got the money and mama's finally got the chance to perform the haj. I have no objections.

Of course the thought of her leaving us is enough to make me tear. Her safety and all that.Well i noe that God will take care of her there and that's all that i need to ease my fears.

hmm.... a month of maggie mees for us then..

....i think i'm fine...

2006-09-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

I was bored last week. Just finished reading a book, and embarked on a new one. After 130 pages, my body was aching; I like to read lying down on my stomach on my bed. And i was thinking, what could i do next? I could go outside and watch tv. Or go to the kitchen to look for snacks which i noe doesnt exist. Or i could just remain on my bed, close my eyes and imagine what'll it'll be like if i went outside to watch tv. Or what it's like to go to the kitchen to look for snacks that doesnt exist. Or going out with my friends to anywhere but my home.

BUt i saw my sis's laptop on my study table. Been using it to play Need for Speed Underground 2 till i got bored. That was when i started on my new book. Anws, i decided to use the net, and after minutes of mindless surfing, i blogged.

And i didnt blog the way i usually would. (Was looking back at my past posts after i typed this line) Didnt realise that i sound quite dead. But as i was saying, i chose to write as though im writing. Writing as in writing a book and not just some random scribblings. So i started out writing about the book ive finished reading. BUt somehow or rather, i began writing about me. My life. Something i wanted to avoid writing too much about.

Mama was the lucky first. Then my dad. And eventually it was about me. SOmehow, looking back, it seems as though i was like a young child wanting everyone to pay attention to me. It kindof seem like a stunt to get people to notice me. Obviously it worked. But the thing is, a child would feel happy having gotten others to notice him. So i guess i am too. It's as though i needed the assurance that i'm not my own society. There are others with me too.

And then there's the internet connection. That was written by the me who wasnt thinking. I told someone about it and everything just seem to fall into place nicely.

So see, now im talking as though everything's fine. Wells, come to think of it, everything's still rather manageable. Coz u see, sometimes, i see the glass in front of me half empty. And i noe that i can choose to see it half full too!

And now that i dun seem like im losing it... i'll talk about something else. Driving license to be exact.

Mama talked to me about getting a license. And said that my sister also wants to go learn driving. And i was like, finally, a catalyst that's bound to make me learn driving. But all of a sudden, i realise something's missing. Im missing a dad who could tell me a thing or two about driving coz as far as im concerned, he is the best driver ive ever known. We did talk once about when i think i want to get my license. That was when i was working with him. So i was thinking, haha.... he could sponser me!!

BUt now that im sponsering myself, ive gotta think twice coz ive got to sponser so many other things. If i dun withdraw anymore money, my bank will finally go above the $4000 mark next month. ANd my mission will be to not go below that mark. And once i hit $5000, i'll try not go below that mark. I talked about getting a license with the guys in my MG course bunk-- 3 guys in their late 20s. Shared their experience with me... road tax and insurance and installments and patrol and what not per month... it's something that my dad could be telling me about if he was around. And it seems like getting a car is a no no in the near future. License wise... gotta think about it some more... shall take my time going about it....

So yea, tink i'll keep on trying to be the guy i said i wanna be dib. ANd nizar, both u and i and everyone noes that if we meet up, i wun be talking much ...as always. And kim, i hope beyond hope too that the future will be bright.

Till next time.

Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio

2006-09-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Yet another week has passed and looking at my life thus far, it seems as though i live to count the number of years i have left. A little depressing and worrying, I know. Why this has been so, I dont know.

Ive been reading a book during the week that is almost coming to an end. The Society of Others. It's about an alienated young man who can see no meaning in life. He doesnt even see the point of getting out of bed in the morning. Being confined to the four walls of his room, looking out of his window, watching TV ... tt's his idea of life. You might sort of have realised why i borrowed this book yea?

Anws, his dad left him this amount of money telling him to go out and explore. And he took the thousand Euro and pasted the notes on his walls. Kind of like how i pasted revision notes on my wall. As i was saying, one day, he was lookin out his window and saw this pigeon on his window ledge. The pigeon was staring at him like it wanted to tell him something.

He asked without actually asking what is it that the pigeon wants to tell him. The pigeon flew off. That was when he decided to pack a bag - a pair of jeans, a tshirt, a pair of underwear, a pair of socks - and some money and began a journey.

The story brought me on a journey with him to i still dun noe where. It remains a mystery. A philosophical book i must say. Kind of irritating to have spent a week reading the book without having a proper "happily ever after" ending. But the way he wrote it, it's like reading a story that i could have written about myself some years in the future. I travelled across Europe without actually going anywhere. Somehow ive rekindled the interest i used have with books.

Im currently somewhere in the US, living the life of a music journalist turned Uncle Agony for some teen mag after the mag company he was working for folded. Spent half of today reading 130 pages.. Shows how great im living my life huh? Anws, i like it.. at least for this phase of my life when i simply do not know how tomorrow will be? What'll i do in future? My mama...

She's really having trouble controlling my siblings who doesnt seem to be willing to listen to her. Thus her frequent nagging. And i dun really noe how to go about helping her. It's not as if i cant punish my siblings like how i would, but i choose not to, with my men in camp. Normally, if we become out of hand, mama would simply tell dad of the going-ons and he'll be the one to discipline us.

Ive not really stepped into my dad's shoes. Being the man of the family. It's a tremendous job to sign up for. And ive been kind of avoiding doing my job. Being in camp sort of made this possible. Though both dad and i are size 10, and though i do wear some of his shoes, it's just this one pair of shoes that i just dont feel like wearing. Yes, i know i have no choice and that i'll wear it one day. Im waiting for that one day to come. Somehow, I keep thinking that that day would be the day mama leaves her pair of shoes behind .... her pair of shoes plus her many other pair of shoes plus a whole wardrobe of clothes. I hope id step into the household scene soon.

Mama tells me that it's been 3 months since dad left us. In my mind i went like "hmmm" and oh, i didnt realise it was so. Or more like, was it important how long it's been since he left us? All i know is this -- he left us.

I live to count the days i have left. And now i realise my mama lives and counts the days he left us. This makes me wonder what kind of life am i living. A self-centred life? Maybe. Maybe not. After all, i am making $700 a month, an amount which i dun really noe how much it's worth. I mean i do give my mama a share of my allowance. The thing is i dun really noe how much we're actually spending a month. Our phone bills, and net bills, and utilities bill and my bros and sis allowance and groceries and who noes what else i dun noe about. All i could do now is to frequently walk round the house and switch of whatever appliances we're not using. Like someone with OCD. Im not obsessed. Maybe i am.

I never talk to mama about such stuffs. Maybe because she seems okay everytime i come home. No problems whatsoever. I hope beyond hope that all is well. And like how she used to say that prior to the days before dad fell ill, she felt very distant from him.... Im sort of feeling the same way. It's not mama who is keeping a distant from me but more like the other way round.

I am keeping a distant from mama. Maybe without me realising it.

I seem to be running out of words as the days go on by. Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio. Either be silent or let your speech be better than silence. A quote from The Society of Others. Somehow i always think that i could never be part of a nice conversation. Or at the very least a decent conversation. Even with my mama. sighs.

Could it be that im going? I am afterall, going for my MG live firing next week. Enough with all this. But who knows? No one expected dad to fall ill all of a sudden. Right?

I am still thinking whether i should terminate this internet connection of mine. it's a good $40 a month... and a significant cut on electricity bill coz surfing the net is what my sis do best. and i realise ive been using it to check my mail and blog.. On weekends only. And it's becomin clear that i shouldnt really waste my time with all this because.... because of what i cant really figure out exactly. But terminating would mean im shutting myself out from the rest of you whom i can only reach via the Net coz im still not a people person. But considering that ive been kind of alone most of the time, i wun really be shutting myself out coz it seems that ive been doing it since wen i dun noe. But a part of me just dun want to. Maybe i was right when i said that i wont terminate till i get my reply. Whatever i might mean...

You could tell how im spending my time at home by just looking at how long tis entry is. Longest since i dunnoe when. Well then... hope you guys are living your life fully. And to my sis, you are not allowed to live life fully. You are within the boundaries set by mama.... be home on time. Wake up early. Help her out. Help her control our twins. Enough with MSN and the net. Enough with friends if possible. And heard that u wanted to buy an MP3 player. Dun waste money even though it comes from ur own bank. I wanted to buy a digi cam with the surplus money i got for getting IPPT gold. But time changes everything. Each an every single cent we have means everything. What if it's true, that i am going? We dont just live for today. Nor do we just live for tomorrow.

We live for today, tomorrow as well as the many many days i see in the bumpy future ahead.

The End

Why cant i?

2006-09-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

Why cant i stop feeling the way im feeling right now? .... why?....

I could be feeling bored and i wanna stop feelin this way but i cant.

I could be feeling happy and i wanna stop feelin this way.... Why cant i not be happy?

I could be feeling dumb and foolish and seems like im wasting my time... and i wanna stop feelin this way...

There's a million and one "could be"s ....... And only i noe the right one...

-out of sheer boredom-

This past week

2006-09-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

im feelin bored yet again. When im in camp, i look forward to going home. Surfing the net, checking my mail. But now tt im home, having surfed the net and checked my mail, i really wished i was still in camp.

Camp life has been fun so far. Played soccer like in the morning, at night and the next morning the past 2 days. Playing the PS2 seems to be part of the timetable. Sleeping time... nap time... its all taken care of. Very very relaxing. Which is why i get bored on weekends. Nothing to look forward to (besides bookin in). Am going for a course next week. heard it'll be a fairly relaxed one. Lookin forward to it. Think i would go to the library... look for books to read. To fill time.

So many things going on.... but none that can be written in this space of mine. Maybe im just lazy.

Just another entry

2006-09-03T00:13:00.000-07:00

Came back from p6 class reunion. Not all managed to turn up but we still had a great time. Catching up on each other... reminiscing the past. It was just sweet. Especially after 6 years of not seeing each other. But once the clock went past 10, i was feelin a lil restless coz i dun really like to stay outside home so late. Still not used to it. Maybe coz i also wanna set a gd example for my bros.... mama would get worried if her children is still not back home even though its so late. yea.

All of a sudden, ive got at least 10 "new" friends. everyone seemed very very nice to everyone. Hope to get to catch up more with them thru msn... ive got more ppl to talk to.

Have i talked about my first week in 6 SIR? hmm... felt as if i have. But i havent. And i dun have the drive i used to have to write abt it. Am just feelin a bit low at the moment for no apparent reason. -moody-

Wished i could be in p6 now... and start afresh.

sucky...

2006-08-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

this past 2 days...

ive never felt this lonely in my life.

And ive finally been able to see the diff b/w my family now, and the one we used to have. The house seems a lil empty. Quiet.

Hope time heals everything.

Mama's bdae tmr. Hope she'll be more happy than sad.

Life....

Saturday nite drama?

2006-08-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

erms... dunnoe wat to say... I indirectly got mama to confiscate my sis laptop? Coz i wanna use the net at ard 2330 den told my sis to disconnect her modem. Den i waited for my modem to connect but very long still disconnected. Den i asked her again.. mama heard... asked her wat is she still doin wif the com(coz skool already ended, exam over and wat not) Of course my sister, not so intelligently used the loud and rude tone... and there goes her lappie. Got a confession... my modem didnt connect coz the phoneline of the modem wasnt in the socket. My mistake. I took it out and didnt put it back in.

Anyways, mama already told me of her plan to confiscate sis lappie last morning. Coz like ive mention previously, sis been waking up late coz OBVIOUSLY, shes been usin the com till late. Tts wat mama thinks. Tts wat i think. And im sure u all would think the same way too! But but but, i must say that my sis aint so intelligent coz she dun noe how to act or hide wat she did lah. IF and this is a very big IF.... i were to use the com till late, i'd wake up earlier than my mama lah. But my sis... mama woke her up alot of times she still sleepin. SO who's fault is it that her lappie got confiscated? Certainly not mine.... really really hope u guys support me on tis one. haha...

And my sis is like in her room like ALL the time lah... Studyin? yea rite... Like my mama would buy that. ANd she locks her door lah! If i was studyin, ill let the whole world see lah! haha.... Again, not so intelligent of her. Ive told her to at least be outside her room more often lah... watch tv or sit outside do nthg. Better still, help mama wif her work... den at least wun be a target rite? SHe should learn to be like me. Tts the very least she could do wat! Years after years, same old habit. Anws, if dad was still ard, i dare say her lappie would be in pieces by now.

So yea, i bet sis is damn piss wif me rite now. I would be if i had an elder brother like me. haha...

Dramas aside, i think spiderman 2 is a good love story. If only there's someone waiting outside my door... like MJane. I noe tis is totally off the frequency but still...

And i had a great time playing need for speed: Underground 2 on my sis laptop tis afternoon. Thanks ah sis. haha... Till next time.

the past 3 days

2006-08-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

booked in on Thursday. 1400hrs. They did some interview thingy... admin stuffs again... showed us the history of 6 sir... the pledge, mission, vision and what not... So weve got a much clearer idea of the batallion we're in now. Den after tt.... dinner..after dinner go home. hah!

came back in on Friday morning at 0800h. For some pt we were told. All 11 of us cant imagine wat sort of pt we would have to go thru lah... thinkin of worse case scenarios. First we went for a run round the camp to familiarise ourselves wif the place.. den we ran the 2.4 route. 1/3 of the route actually coz one round is 800m. So yea... slow pace... relatively short distance. Tot after that got static exercises lah... "Sadly", it wasnt the case. We had to do more runs.

More runs. More feet movements. Head movement. Mouth movement. and ball control. (ie. streetsoccer at their very own streetsoccer court) Was thinkin of our fellow mates at bedok camp( elite guardsmen-to-be). Heard they second day of tis week only got fastmarch. My fieldpack still haven even pack.

Anws, i AM still afraid of the ball. haha... always lookin away from the ball when the opponent shoots towards goal. But i guess 1yr 3 mths should be enuff time for my men to train me in tis area. lol. Oh ya, first day during interview, the officer told me that this batallion likes to play soccer.

And after soccer, had brunch..(tis was only 0900h). wenta the interact room. interact room is a room for relax purpose one. got aircon, sofa, pillow, blanket, tv, dvd player... some board games. u get the picture. And tis is alpha coy's interact room. Bravo has an x-box inside ithink. If not x-box then a ps2. Coz we saw them play winning 11 e other day. Heard im goin bravo. yea! As i was saying, we had a break till 1230h. So after eating, we watched Alexander and fell asleep. Boring show but good nap. All 11 of us slept. Now i noe why they have blanket. =)

Had lessons after tt. lessons till 1500h after which we were told we could go home. Life at 6 sir has been great so far. While im spending my time at 6 sir, im always thinkin abt life as a guardsman. Coz tts where i dreamt i would go. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, i wasnt "fit" to be a guardsman lah. Unfortunate coz i think im getting fatter. 6+ 2 packs disappearing seh. haha.... Wonder how theyre doin... esp matin..

anws, 6 sir has its down side too. Last i heard we'll be guardin jurong island during hari raya. Coming back home either at night of the first day of hari raya or the next day. And also christmas would be burnt too. But yea... u guys need ppl like us to deter potential threats so tt u all can celebrate happily. So who says it makes more sense to be a policeman than a soldier? haha... I say, "There's a part for everyone...in this land where belong... "

wells... have army half marathon tmr... 12k .... mama's bdae on monday... almost forgot. But like dad, we never really do much on each others bdae except a kiss and a hug. priceless.

till next time....

..random thoughts speeding at 210mph...

2006-08-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

3 days slip by with the blink of an eye... more like 826398472 blinks of both eyes. And i have had PLENTY of sleep! Of coz each and every single morning, mama will be like making noises trying to get me and my bros and my sis up for morning prayers. My sis the hardest to wake up.... must be her being online way into the wee hours of the morning... without her even thinkin abt her brother waiting in the next room to use the com. Apparently, whenever she turns her modem on, the modem in my room gets disconnected.

Anws, must be quite tiring for my mama to do that every single day. So i could imagine her doing that every single morning... and missing me when im in camp... and missing dad... lucky she got friends to talk to when my sis and bros go to school. Loneliness to the max. The feeling of losing someone u love after so so so many years is a feeling i wanna feel, without having to lose someone in the first place. Must be a terrible feeling..

I had a dream last night. Army had 60% share of last nights dream... forget about tt. I also dreamt that i was writing a book about me. My life story. And thinking about it, what would my life story be made up of if ive got no life to begin wif? heh... Its been a long long while since i wrote a narrative. I might want to re-explore this long lost world of storytelling...

Heard from friends that those who graduate from civil engineering tend to end up as physics teachers. And i dun wanna be a physics teacher!! Having to go to school and stuffs like tt... dealing with kids who think they are no longer kids.. that theyre young adults... its a tough job esp in todays society.

Of course there are some friends who just adviced me to do my best and eventually be spotted by some talent scout from some big big companies. yea... the ideal picture. But sometimes i just cant help but feel negative...

Heard tt some ppl are having the feeling that they might be in the wrong course. Is civil engineering really what i want..? I mean after knowing tt most would probably end up as physics teachers? ....

...anws, it's probably just a myth...

eyes....

2006-08-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

can barely open my eyes. Replied an email so now i shall go dream. gd nites.

a new kindof life

2006-08-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

.... life as a sergeant. I wonder what kind of life would that be. Lucky me im not in a tough unit. Just got posted to a unit dealing with installation protection duties. Changi airport, Jurong island... But none of whom im close to got posted to 6 SIR. Guess ive gotta make new friends..

Last day today. Last night yesterday. It was quite emotional. Haha... havin to leave everyone and all, esp more so for the special selected few tt got posted to 3 & 6 SIR and 1 guards. Wish them all e best in whichever unit they got posted to. Dun think too much abt the posting. Come monday, just give ur all.

The parade went well i guess. Was glad its over considering tt we rehearsed every single day since last book in. Took some pics too. Shall post it up once i get them from my sister and cousin.

Tis entry seems to be only a mere recall of whats happened. Lacked the depth. Coz im not in e mood .... been feelin a lil weird lately... Im missing a piece of a jigsaw puzzle...

Looking Back, looking forward .....

2006-08-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

3 weeks in taiwan yet the pen and paper never left my hands. i wrote down what i would call "a time journal" where i would write sthg in this format:

***********
300706
1433h : Just woke up. My resting time. My turn to be on one third alert from 1500-1600h.

1636h : Haha...just woke up again. Dreamt that i was awake... Heard the news from Betrand who heard from Calvin who heard from Sgt Alvin tt an unnamed, as of now, typhoonis forming somewhere over the pacific and is heading for taiwan. Said itll be comin in 3 days time. Hope theyre right. Oh im beginning to miss home. Like really miss home. Cant get home off my mind =)

050806
1024h: Lying down under my tree- in silence. Well at least im the only only silent.Ppl adjacent to me just cant keep their mouth shut. talkin like nobody's business.We're in a harbour position for goodness sake. But i realise tt theyre always in a group of 4 or 3 or 2 but im always in a grp of 1. Typical me. And whenever i see myself in this situation, i always see myself as a loner or an anti social guy. Am i thinkin too negatively? Think i should try to learn how to see things positively like say im alone rite now coz i wanna slack under my tree and not do more. Or maybe coz now's not the best time to talk and ill mix ard some other day.Yea i guess tt's more like it.

One more issue. I seem to be in the sarcastic mode yet again. Always disturbing B and K.Just these 2 fellas. Feelin bad abt it though. I didnt like being made fun of or bein made a fool off in the past. Thinkin....thinkin...thinkin.... I think i shall stop. ....

100806
0701h: 1stly, a very long distance Happie bdae wish to my fren=) Slept without bathing ytd. Was watching tv when i fell asleep. Shagged. Wenta Ximenting ytd nite and it was damn cool. lotsa shops and e place is like Orchard rd. Maybe i found the place v cool coz i seldom (maybe never) been to orchard rd at night. ....

110806
1810h: On e bus. Heading for airport. Other sections took photos except for my section. Haha... disunity. Well i havta admit it's never been this apparent. Well itll be over soon.. the course. If its not meant to be, then why even bother? .... Just looking forward, thinkin abt the future, id really would love to travel the world. Haha... think ive found my ultimate fantasy.

********

Well, writing's my way of bringing myself into a world of my own away from the pressure and stress of the real world. During e 8 days ex warrior, there was this time when i wondered what i was doing suffering in the mountains under heavy rain. If only i was in scdf or better still, the police. Mental torture. But of coz i look at the bright side of things like looking forward to r&r. And goin home. And that this torture will end one day... tt ive only gotta be patient........ And look where i am now? at home... safe and sound. No abrasion no heat rash no cramps no blisters. Just gotta be mentally strong. There has to be an end to every thing.

Shopping was the most fun! (oops... de javu) Shopped like ive never shopped b4. Bought shoes and pants and shirts and t shirts and more shirts and a watch and wallets... but most are mine. Did buy home little things here and there but i simply felt tt i needed to be rewarded. haha... get more colors into my cupboard.

We were only allowed free time after organised tours in the day. Most of the tours that were conducted in e day are trips to amusement parks. WEnta 3 or 4 theme parks in all... and yea, no scary rides for me. There was tis 2 parks where i only took 2 rides! haaha.. im a sucker when it comes to rides.

So 3 weeks taiwan has come to an end. Bookin in tonight at 2200. Yea, life has to go on. Graduatin tis coming friday. 3 stripes. 0900h-1100h. But ITS ON A WEEKDAY! so tt means my bros and sis are out leavin my mama who's gotta find someone to send her there or if not shell havta take the cab which i doubt she would. Maybe she would. But she did tell me lets just hope the lawyer doesnt make an appointment with her on friday. Ttll mean i might have to paste my own stripes.

OH one more thing. Sthg funny happened. My house utilities bill. Used to be 300+. then last month, when dad was in hospital and all tt, 240++. And now, its $43!! haha... Electricity consumption for the month was minus sthg sthg kWh. Haha... the meter man said he would bring tis up to see if our meter is faulty. Coz if it's not faulty, i think my late dad is doin wat he can to ease mama's burden. We'll see when the report comes.

Can anyone see what's missing in this entry? I guess not coz there's nthg to see. Pictures. Wasted. if only i had a camera. But i do have some pics here and there on other ppl's cam. But nthg beats havin ur own cam. Could hav taken zillions of pics while i was walking .....walking..... walking.... ard taipei on my own during my last day there. siens.

Lookin forward, i see myself doing a massive cleanin of my room, preparin tonight's booking in stuffs and finding a way to fill tis newfound small empty space in this place called life.

Till next time.

touch down.

2006-08-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

am back. Blggin later. maybe tonite. Kinda fell asleep after 2 lines. Till tonite.

oh finally

2006-07-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

..oh finally the day has come. A few more hours and ill be gone. Leavin on a jet plane and i dun noe when ill be back again.. if ill be back again. haha...

woke up and i remembered my dream... that i got posted to 1st Guards. haha... mustve been my subconscious. Well i dun worry abt my posting after sispec. if i dun mind 1st Guards, i wouldnt mind anything.

Reportin to airport tonite. And theyre making us wear leather shoes lah! Dad has a couple of leather shoes but all are worn out coz he used to wear them to work. I kindof like the Hush Puppies one coz it felt super comfortable but sadly, it worn out and torn. Might go and get myself my first gentleman's shoes.

They dun want us to look like soldiers. Yet all the uniformity.

And i wonder wonder I wonder how, i wonder why. Yesterday u told me bout the blue blue sky..... Stop wondering lah dib and hock! haha... =)

Till im back. Echo elite! Hoo~ah!

rocROCroc

2006-07-18T02:04:00.000-07:00

cant wait for my ROC trip. Anxious. Cant wait to go someplace else besides Lim Chu Kang and Mandai to train. But i worry if i left out something from my packing list.

There's this primary sch reunion some time on e 5th of Aug. Wasted i couldnt go. Coz 1stly, i used to not go to such things so it'll be great if i go abt this differently. 2ndly can meet old friends... something i used to not bother with also. And 3rdly, hmmm... cant tink of a 3rd reason at the moment. Wateva it is, i wished i could make it.

Was thinkin thinkin thinkin and i realised tt i culd be missin some people for real for quite some time. And missin someone was sthg i used to find a waste of time.

Looks like ill be wasting quite a lot of time....

Sunday

2006-07-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

A long day today too.

Wenta my dad's new place. Mama wanted to go there. Been exactly a mth since he left us. Mama still cries when she talks about him. But going there aint easy coz a cab to and fro can easily cost $30 max. The bus + mrt combo would be a more affordable mode but time consuming. Well we spent a gd 30 mins there b4 we headed back home.

Wenta PS in the afternoon... my bros band performing. So they ended up winning the only award up for grabs -- the grooviest band award. Not bad..

Wenta Serangoon to meet Hafiz. Wanted to borrow a couple of uniforms. Needed a few set of unfaded green smart 4s. So now i have wat i want.

Rushed to Beach Rd to get wateva stuff i need for the trip to taiwan. Rushed back home after tt.

Still got a couple more things to buy for my trip. Gonna go back sch to collect my alevel cert. And am thinkin of wat to get for me and my sibs in taiwan. =)

************************************************

Its getting kindof boring to go to places by myself. HAH! To think that i used to think that i would enjoy being in a world called isolation for the rest of my life. Well i was wrong.

rare day

2006-07-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

went out twice. yea yall didnt read it wrong. twice. met up with friends and sort of just talked.

had lunch with someone from school. talked about stuff here and there. was great. never really actually went out just for lunch with anyone before. haha. yea.
had dinner with a couple of someone from school. hock and eugene. talked about stuff here and there too! More like talked about stuff all over j8. Abt army and soccer and grace. grace can talk melayu already seh. Can only imagine her talking in malay. haha. And i never really actually went out just for dinner with anyone b4 oso.. haha... just happens that today happens to be my free day and when im free, i really dun mind doing stuff i seldom/never do...

got home. brought my bros chickenchops frm kfc. sister was out working at some mini cooper amazing race stuff tt i wasnt even aware of. Its a one off event. And talked to mum about my friends. And about me going out. About how i used to not want to go out because i dun wanna be scolded by my mama like how my sis was wheneva she comes home from her outings. About how friends need to be maintained and how she thinks that if i got free time, i should ask my friends out and what not.

Haha... I never asked anyone out before. Why would i coz i never liked leaving home anyway. Well now tt ive sorta break tt never-asking-anyone-out streak for the first time tis week, ive a feeelin things may change.

But i wonder if itll take me 3 years b4 i start askin anyone out again. lol.

Tired eyes. gd nite.

home..

2006-07-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

2 weeks confinement. Felt like it'll never end.Live firings. Navigation. heli trng. More live firings. Marches. Runs. Urban warfare.

I was missing home.

There was a couple of events tt took place tis past 2 wks tt would help me become a better person in future. Was under a lot of pressure during that few hours. Luckily, matters were resolved and it was a gd learning experience for both me and my platoonmates.

And ive been a bastard lately. Too much time spent in camp versus at home might have made me lose touch with the real me. But the experience was good too. U learn how to make things right and get things back to the way it was.

Was lookin thru the 3 big photoalbums we hav. Mostly pictures from the past. None from the past 6-7 years? Dun remember seeing or taking any pictures of late. Saw my baby pictures. Me and my dad. Could see that he preety proud of his first little boy.

Now im preety proud of my dad.

Regular weekly update

2006-06-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

wells, im truly appreciative of all e support me and my family received from friends and family. Indeed, help comes from unexpected sources. Like suddenly all my neighbours have approached my mama to offer wateva help they can provide or wateva ideas they may have to help us and im indeed very touched by their gestures.

frens of mine dropped by tis afternoon. was glad they came. however, i tink i was a bad host just now. dun really noe the way to entertain guests coz im not those kind who are naturals when it comes to interactin with ppl. well i guess tis sorta things takes time and practice.

Leavin for camp tonite. Will be back on the 8th of july. Bookin in on the 9th. A long book out from the 15th till the 18th. And off to Taiwan on the 22nd. Someone's leavin on the 22nd too. Returnin back to homeland on the 12th of August followed by a day off. Then it'll be a week of parade rehearsals and course debrief and ill be expectin the 3 stripes on the 19th.

How 2 months can fly on just a short paragraph.

Thanks once again and till next time.

Hard week

2006-06-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

Some times it seem as if it's been months even though it has only been barely a week since he left us. And at times, it felt like a bad dream that I've yet to wake up from.

No matter how much I try to stay strong, Id crumble. No matter how much I try to not think about it, I'd think about it more. And no matter how much I try to forget about it, I fail.

This week has been a test of my mental strength -- my ability to perform my duties in camp amidst the happenings at home. At one point in my life, army seems like one of the best things that had ever happened to me. But lately, I'm beginning to not like army. I find that army takes too much of my time in a sense tt im better off out there trying to earn more than a mere 450 a month. I m beginning to feel the need to be home more often. There were times I didnt want to give my best during trainings but lucky for me, I have great section mates to count on. Knowing that I have another family in camp made me feel much better. So now, I'm still uncertain as to whether or not I still hate Army.

The most important thing I learnt this week is to not give in to ur emotions too easily. Coz if not, life can be truly miserable. Simply let the excess water in ur eyes flow, take deep breaths, look at the stars... and relax. Only then can u start to think straight.

Been adapting to the sudden change in momentum rather well though initially, it was tough coz a whole mountain of responsibilities was suddenly being heaped on me. But of course, now I have no choice but to cut my hair in camp coz its cheaper (the downside of it is the style). Now, I have to think twice before taking a cab or before I enter a McD. Now I wash all my dirty laundry in camp. Theres just some things that I can no longer afford to spend on unlike previously. My plan to get a new pair of shoes shall be put on hold once again.

We were told from young to save for a rainy day. Since it rains almost every other day in Singapore, savings tend to get spent very often. My rainy day has arrived and I wonder if I had saved enough...

Well I guess this entry marks the end of me being in a self-pity mode. Time to get a grip of things. Time to step up the engine. =)

Sunday morning tears are falling Part 2

2006-06-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

Its been 2 weeks and am i glad to have been with him on all 3 weekends. I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time. He put up a tough fight but when its time for him to leave, he'll havta leave.

Its quite hard to hold back the tears. But i realise i have to coz now im the man of the family. Ive gotta be strong and stable so tt my family noes there's someone like dad still around in the family. I worry for mama. Remember how she had stomach pains just days b4 dad got admitted to the hospital. Well now tt dad's no longer wif us, who would wake me up to tell me tt mama's in pain? Who would bring her to the 24hrs clinic if anything were to happen in the early hours of the morning? But since im in camp 6 days a week, i wonder how things will run at home...

I wonder abt things i think i should wonder abt. Our mthly income. My siblings education. My education. Mama. Though ppl tell me not to worry abt tis sort of things, i wonder.... if its ever possible.

But nevertheless, dad left us a roof to live under. All paid for. I ll see wat i can do to get things back to normal, even though i noe it can never be the same again.

The sole breadwinner. Never tot it would be so soon. im only 18. But God willing, we'll sail out of this darkness together as a family.

Fathers' Day never meant anything to me..... So now i noe. Appreciate ur dad's sacrifices and hard work. Never take him for granted. Never assume that he owes u a living. Give him the respect he deserves. Even if he's unreasonable or overly protective or too conservative or what not. Its never too early to tell ur dad u love him. Do not wait till the very end. Trust me. And yea, hug ur dads dearly while u still can.

Wells, till next time. Happy Father's Day.

An unusual post

2006-06-11T07:34:00.000-07:00

hmm... where should i start.

spent last nite in e hosp. received a call from mama during trng. got the chance to book out ytd. dad went for op. now in icu. how things happened so fast. its gonna get faster.

of coz i am not trying to think abt it too much in camp. thinkin abt home. how my siblings are doing. how my mama is doing. Hope we'll be strong and get thru tis together.

Army's been great. Got gold for ippt. Timing worsened by a second. Passed my soc. So the physical aspect of the course is over for me.

well... writing a post in mcd over breakfast. Unusual. BUt hu carees. Haha... its quite weird lah the feeling. Anws, tc. Officially bookin out nxt weekend. Till then.

critical cond

2006-06-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

onli time will tell

Sunday morning tears are falling

2006-06-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Wells, the run didnt materialise. Alarm clock was set at 0630. Woken up by an sms at 0603. Slept again. Woke up at 0630. Gave myself 5 more minutes of extra rest... and..

It wasnt one of those 5-minutes-that-turned-out-to-be-more-hours-of-sleep. Mama woke me up told me that dad needs help going to the toilet. I was like huh??!!

So i went to the master bedroom and saw dad lying very weak on the bed. Cant stand on his own 2 feet. My heart sank. I mean, it happened before a couple of years back and i tot it'll be a one off incident. I guess theres a reason for things to turn out this way. Thank god mama's gastric pain had gone lah. And that im out of camp. Dunnoe wat would happen if i was i camp. How my brothers or my sister would be of help. But im sure they'll find a way.

I did say in the previous posts about some cycle that's reversing and how i hope it'll not happen in the near future. The future i had was 30 years or so... when im older... But i fail to realise that if so, they'll already be 80+.

The future begins now.

Satuday night

2006-06-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

Got home today. Slept.

Had 4k run tis morning. its been like ages ago since we at sispec ran lah. So yea, we ran at a decent pace. Chest pain leg pain. Gotta get the engine running once again. Had streghth training. Again, arm pain, abs pain, neck pain...

Dunnoe why tonite, i feel like i want to buy a digicam. Taking pictures for memories... After i get $200 for getting gold for ippt next, i'll get a cam. Haa... the confidence i exude..

Gonna warm up for ippt tmr. Wenta google earth to look for a suitable route with suitable distance. Gonna execute my plan tmr. Based on experience, morning runs never seem to materialise but for $200 and no more IPPTs for the entire course, i think things may change.

Watched Hamburger Hill... some vietnam war story. Scary how the war is being faught. How ur section mates die. How long it takes to seize control of a hill. How many men are needed to die trying to conquer the hill. How men struggle to charge up hill when its raining.

I tend to forget that when we attack enemies with our M203s or SAWs or grenades or M16s, they too attack us with weapons that can kill. We learn how to dig trenches. They too know how to dig trenches. Its totally scary if a war is to happen...

But so long as there're soldiers like me around, there's nthg to worry abt.

****************

Gonna go taiwan on july 21 to Aug 12. Soo lookin forward to it. Abit strange how we'll be spending our national day over there. But a week after our ROC trip will be our POP!! 19 aug.

Not many bookouts in store for us. Next one being on the 17of June. However, we'll be compensated our offs from 15-18 July... the weekend b4 our ROC trip.

Well it was the second day me and me section have been together and i must say that everyone seem to be getting along with each other just well. Too early to say but it just seems like it.

wells, till next time.

Final rest day

2006-06-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

5 days of inactivity and i put on 3kg. Am weighing 72.3kg. Wells with respect to my height, my weight is still acceptable but yea, gotta get rid of more fats. Haha... dun ask me why im suddenly tokin abt height and weight.

Woken up tis morning by mama. She wanted to go to the poly. Of course the initial frustration... but after 5 mins of thinkin in "anger"... i chilled and yea, wenta the doc. Her cond today was a bit worse than ytd. Ended up in bed like the entire day. Ate nthg but bread. Oh man.... the cycle is reversing. U noe how mama was the one who look after us when we're ill, cookin porridge, buying fruits and stuffs... now its us kids turn lah. Of course, the unfair thing was that we didnt really noe what to do. SHe knew she could take care of herself but she was thinkin about wat we'll eat for dinner. Haha... so we ate bread and maggie. It aint fun when mama's sick. (Lucky im goin back to camp tmr morning! Proper meals. Whahaa... kd..)

Wells Dad's coming back home looking more and more tired every night. Rather worrying. Coz we wun noe what we'll do if both mama and dad fall ill at the same time. Pray hard tt wun come in the near future.

Well, hope everything would turn out fine. Off to camp tmr. Back on Saturday. The begining of a new journey.

Had my mind off army this coup of days

2006-06-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

A lil outdated but that's how it's always been.

Still thinking abt the past -- How i used to relate what's happening in real life to whats happening on film. Haha... the symbolism and such.

Suddenly felt like dancin... u can see why... Care for a dance?

The later part of wed...

2006-05-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

Have u ever felt as though ure helpless?

Sitting there looking at someone not knowing what to do?

Not knowing what to do except looking at that someone?

The feeling sucked.

Wenta the doctor. Got an injection. Waited for her medicine. Her name was called. I wenta collect her medicine. Was abt to go home but we cant. Her pain was unbearable. So we sat there. And i waited. She sat there in pain. I gave her a shoulder to cry on -- literally. She asked me to rub her back. So i rubbed. Waited again for a bit and finally, she could find her strength to walk and we went home.

Reminded me of one rainy Thursday night in school.

I guess when someone's feelin sad, hurt, depressed, pain... all she needs is a shoulder to cry and lean on. Someone to share her feelings with. And maybe someone to rub her back.

Haha... Being surrounded by four blue walls, the com in front of me, oh i so miss my past.

Wed

2006-05-31T08:36:00.000-07:00

first family outing to the movies ytd-minus the sister and the father (school and work respectively) .....

WEnta Lido. Haa... mama led the way. She knew where to alight, which exits and turns to take. Haha... And to think i'd been there like a couple of months back only lah! Her last time taking the train going to that part of singapore mustve been like ages ago! Haha.... ive got lots of training to do....

.....However i must say tt going to the movies isnt a good place to chill with ur family. Best to go with friends. That's what i think lah, based on the 2 previous cine trips with my friends.

.... Family outings are better when u accompany ur mama walk round and round looking at pots and pans and glasses and clothes and what not without even buying them. I mean, no matter how tiring and irritating and annoying it may feel, at least there's bonding thru things like "I wanna go home", "Can we go home now" and "I still want to walk walk somemore"...

....Eating at McD or cavana is even a whole lot better than the movies. Sitting face to face with ur siblings, seeing how adorable they are, disturbing them, sharing foood and drinks, seeing how they eat, the way they talk....

Well tts just my personal preference. Home sweet home.

***************************

Mama woke up sick. Had to run a distance to my aunt's place to get medicine. Early morning sprint. Got to buck up my stamina. Might hvta take a trip to the doc. Hope not coz i'm a bit lazy to move. But tis doesnt mean im unwilling.

It's all my fault. If i had trained up my stamina, mama wouldnt hv been sick.

When u've got time, stop, and think about life....

2006-05-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

Almost 2pm. Woke up at 1030. First 4 hours spent on eating, washing my clothes... and thinking about what to do the next 3 days. And i was reading some other blog too. Some random blog i happened to chance upon during a google search.

If only i could write so well that people would want to read what was written before this post and the post before this and the post before that post and so on and so forth.... Haha... maybe unknowingly, ive already accomplished that... =P

Thinkin about the past.Thinkin about the future. Thinkin about tmr.

Gonna go watch movie wif my bros and mama. Dad got 4 free movie tickets from his workplace. Mustve got something to do with the DHL- MI3 ads on tv. Wells anws, the plan was to watch X3. Hope the plan works out. The ticket vouchers can be used at any Shaw Org cines.... and coincidentally, the last two and only cines ive been too had been Shaw Org ones... At lido and at BJ... haha... am glad im no longer alien to this sort of things...

Yet to watch DVC.... most likely be watching in on dvd.. Btw, anyone noes where to get pirated DVDs? haha.... siens..

Thinking of getting a PS2.... The sudden need of a means to relax after a week in camp. Thinking of getting a new pair of shoes too! But tt can wait. THinking of getting a girlfren? haa... man... tis is so lame.

I mean, reading some ppl's blog and they mention the word gf often in a joking manner, i remember myself doing the same lame thing last year. Haha... i mean the special someone, her, she, gf... though "LOL" or "haha" or "jk" tends to come hand in hand with these words, it is obviously obvious the point the writer is putting across.... So technically, if one says he is "Thinking of getting a gf... HAHA!", it means that recently, he has been thinking or dreaming about someone whom he likes

.... and he just wants to share his feelings, while it's still fresh, with the world.

.... Lol! My point being, i miss my past.

Where one journey ends, another begins

2006-05-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

tHis had been my final week in Sispec ... as a Private. There'll still be another 12 weeks at Sispec for me as a corporal.

We had Chemical Defence exercise on Monday and tuesday. I must admit it was the scariest moment in my life as a Sispec trainee. Haha... the chemical suit was freakin heavy and so-not-spacious that i got a panic atack once i donned the full gear. Haha.... didnt noe i was clausterphobic. Haha...maybe not. I think it was probably because its my first time wearing the suit. heh.. Anws, we had to go into a smoke chamber the next day and obviously, we had to put on the gear again. Wells, i was thinking of 101 reasons to fall out from training -- i got blocked nose on tt day. Haha..... Lucky i did not coz i wouldnt have anything to blog abt if i hadnt went thru wif it. I went thru wif it in the end and was really quite proud with myself. Hhaa... THe trick to "clausterphobia" is too be EXTREMELY calm and breathe in and out DEEPLY.

Had "Happy Hour" on Wednesday nite. Kind of like "prom". Had dinner. There's some performances -- some bad, some ok.. some games.. video presentation of our time at sispec.. and of course, lucky draw.

Hahaaa.... the lucky draw was the turn off of the event lah. PLatooon 3 was the platoon in charge of the lucky draw and they seem to win at least half of the prizes including the first prize -- a PSP!! So we audience tot tt something fishy was goin on and got quite disgusted when the 1st prize winner had been on stage the whole night lah -- one of the 2 emcees. Hhaa....So people walked out b4 they can even say we can go. Haha.... I really think its either foul play or us audience are sore losers. There could even be a conspiracy lah! I think there wasnt a PSP in the first place! It could just be an empty PSP box and the organisers used the first prize PSP as an object to make us audience wait till the very end of the event-- which explains why someone from platoon 3 had to win the prize. haha.... TOo much DVC i tink... hav yet to watch it... siens....

Wednesday thursday abit slacked. Cleaned our whole bunk area and all our equipments.

Friday had parade rehearsal and at night, got 28k route march. Blisters... Pulled the muscle behind my left knee...sucks..

Saturday had actual parade. Posting order. Man... had to stay back in sispec for my seargent course. Must be my security clearance.Anws, was glad to noe that others saw in me what i couldnt see in myself and that i should learn to be a bit more confident in my abilities and to stop thinking so highly of others.

Saturday was also my last day with the friends i made during the past 10 weeks. The feeling sucked. They were probably among the best bunch of people ive been with lah. Hope our paths will cross someday.

Saturday was also the day all those posted to ASLC (Advance Section Leaders' Course) at my company came to my company. WEnta our bunks. Do some admin work. And had a brief briefing by our OC. He's a new guy. ANd i must say he seems at least 5 times better than the previous OC. His briefing lifted my morale and made me look forward to the start of ASLC. And of course, having Yong in my platoon made my day a bit better. Shit... now i must watch what i type here. Haha....

**********

Next book in timing -- Friday 2nd June 0730H. I needed the rest.

Till next time.

Disappear?

2006-05-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

What do u mean when u say tt im starting to disappear? Hmmmm.... i guess appearing once or twice a week -- and tts just online -- is as good as not being on the face of this earth.

Well its been a while since i saw my old friends... not surprisingly... Funny how some things'll just never change....

*************

Second last week in camp this week. 9 weeks old friends will come to pass... The best bunch of people ive been ard wif since quite some time... gonna miss them.

This week, we had section "live" firing. It was as close as we could get to firing real humans. Some real life Counterstrike. Sadly, the whole firing lasted only 1 minute. BUt i was rather glad i got top frag. Fired 2 mags and i shot 12 people. I killed 12 people in under a minute!! I wanted to adopt a one click one kill policy but since we were given 6 mags of 30 virtual round, why not use all of em? BUt i was unlucky in the sense that after my 2nd magazine, the system kinda malfunctioned and that's it. Still cant believe that i'm deadly. Whahaha.... hope i get posted to Support Arms and become a sniper.

******

Had Exercise Nutcracker tis week. A defence exercise. 3D2N at Mandai. I was chosen as the Leader Platoon Sergeant. Its like a temporary leadership post assigned to random people thruout the course. There's like a list already drawn out at the start of the course for this role. But i wasnt on tt list. My name was sthg out of the blue.

Earlier on this week, my sir called me to the office to ask for my educational particulars and he asked me this question..... " If i send ur name to go OCS, u want or dun want?" To which i replied, "Yes sir". He reminded me tt tis isnt confirmed and i totally understands why. He'll only submit my name but ill have to go thru interviews and what not... Haha... the door has once again opened... Hope i get in. Then my pay will increase!

I gotta start thinkin of how to answer if they ask me why do i want to go to ocs...

Besides the pay, i really cant thiink of politically correct answers! Sure i like to lead and being able to lead a team and command their repect is really a shiok
feeling.... If only i could put my tots down in words....

Back to Nutcracker, I had 4hrs 25min of sleep in 3 days. More sleepless nights to come if i want to lead a life as a leader.

**********

Army aside... i got accepted to NTU civil engineering. SAme as Nizar... Im glad i got accepted to something. ONly thing for me now is to find out what my future will be like should i choose to accept.

***********

Im quite surprised at how my 2 bros are doing in school. One got 4 As, the other 2 As... Highest chem, highest malay, highest F&N .... and to think tt mama keeps saying they play soccer and never study... hah... maybe the school's setting some low quality papers...... hahaa.... Or maybe im just jealous tt i didnt do as well when i was sec 1? hahaahah.... Who noes...

*********

One last thing before i go. The picture on my blog is gone. Argh.... my account on tt storage website had been removed coz it was inactive for 30 days. So for now, it'll be plain purple till i got time to create a new image....

Wells.... till then...

Reading a book

2006-05-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

Thank you for applying to the National University of Singapore(NUS).

Admission to the NUS is very competitive as a large number of talented students, such as you, have applied this year. However, the number of places for the course you have applied to is limited. We have looked at youd application carefully and thoroughly, but we are unable to offer you a place at NUS. I am sorry about this.

Well. This was probably the last thing one wants to see when he opens an envelope with NUS printed on it. However, this should be the only thing one should expect to see if he hadnt really put in as much effort as he should have in the days leading to the As.

Serve him right.

Another similar letter from NTU and there goes his future.

**************

Well i shant be too bothered about this. Looks like ive learnt tt things dun always bloom like how i want it to be. And rejection is something that ive learnt to handle preety well. "Rejection" by OCS... heh... the Air Force... and now NUS...No use feeling bad or what coz it wun make them change their mind. Life goes on.

But, how life goes on .... haha... i dun noe. One and a half years to think about it. POly... work? Overseas uni? HAH... if only my parents earn big bucks.

hmmmmm....Maybe i could rob a bank. Too risky.

Well... lemme see.... if i were a normal malay... what would i do? What would i do? hmmmm .... i noe, start learning how to ride a bike. Get myself my own bike. And enjoy life. Till the day i get hit by a car or a lorry, get sent to the ICU, and wait till they pull the plug.

The simple life. Something i might consider. Having no worries for the rest of my days. In the wise words of Timon and Pumba... hakuna matata...

*************

Well talking cock as usual. Wasting my time worrying. Shall go and read the book i wanted to read for so long now. Haha... couldnt find it in the libry but somehow, a copy lies in my sister's bedroom. Heh.... the da vinci code. again, my sister's one step ahead of me. Most prob she'll watch the movie ahead of me too....

haha.... MAy 18.

*************

Shant waste time any further. Shall continue reading. Funny, somehow, i find reading a waste of time too. Lying on my bed for hours flipping thru the pages.

See.... am thinking too much. Who cares anyway? Id probably be wasting my life away too....

*************

Till my luck changes.... good day...

..3...

2006-01-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

First day break. Slept till 12. Den got called up by CMPB ask me to go down there for blood test -- see wat my blood grp is. (i never knew wats my blood grp coz wen i make ic tt time, they no longer check blood grp)

The trip there was an hr. The time spent there was a mere 5 minutes. Took an unknown bus frm outside cmpb home and ended up at harbourfront. Took the train for another hour long journey home. Got home, ate and slept till 6+. I guess my body's really tired.

NS just round the corner. Am packing my stuffs. Kinda looking forward to the whole thing. yeah... im serious. But i cant help feeling abit the emo lah.

Im gonna miss my bros the most. They still hv yet to say they love me lah. And i'll miss hugging them wen theyre asleeep. I'll miss disturbing them to the extent tt im the one who got scolded for making them shout.

I'll miss a friend too. I'll miss a friend.

More to come soon as i blog down the days i hv left.... nites.

the woman of my life..

2006-01-02T00:40:00.000-08:00

....my mama...

It was New Years day. The time was 11.00pm. My sis came out of her room and said tt there's a phone call for me. I wonder who'd call so late at night. Does he or she not noe tt i'll be screwed if i'm using the phone so l8 at night? Anws, i answered and my sec sch fren asked me if i could play tmr morning.

My answer was a yes. W/o any hesitation. coz i couldnt make it to previous games coz of work and now theres no work, why not? And filial me told my mama abt the game and unexpectedly, she said tt its best if i dun go coz i'll be goin in tis saturday and if i get injured and all tt.... and i walked away. I was dead sure i was goin. Wenta my room to perform the last prayer of the day wen i overheard mama lecturing in the living room. The door was closed -- imagine the volume outside. My name was heard and tmr's game was heard and it all meant one thing -- bad news.

Heard frm my bros tt mama said tt if i were to go tmr morning, she wun tok to us. Coz presumably, us kids hav gone overboard lah. Not listening to her and god knows what else. If it's my bros goin out wif relatives(they went bowling ytd) or my sis wif her outings and wat not, then me and my...... me and my what?

I hardly go out. And now u noe why.

So will filial me not go out? And wat would i get in return? A me who so badly wanna play but fail to do so? But if i go, what would tt make me? What if she suddenly says she's not going to send me to tekong and i can jolly well ask the frens i so badly wanna be wif to send me there? Knowing me, i'd say why not and go there myself!

But i would definitely regret tis. Of coz i know there are plenty of u guys who would say tt u wun mind sending me over but.... u can sense the seriousness in this entry can u?

There u go.... a dilemma.. I hv 6 hours to make up my mind -- if i dun slp tt is. WOuld i go, or would i not go? Normally theres someone to tok to but.... haha.... it's been a while. nites.

ive never blogged wat another blogger blogged b4..

2005-12-31T12:06:00.000-08:00

I was rediculously hopping frm one blog to another looking for sthg decent to read. And its soooo early in e day. i guess im slowly passing time. Anws, a blog caught my eye. And must i add tt i hv not heard of tis blogger b4 or knew her in person or knew of her blog b4. It's one of the many random blogs i glanced thru -- and one of the rare few tt i actually took time to read.

IN this girl's profile, there's a part which toks abt her dream guy... how she wants him to be tall but not to tall, capable (care to expl wat it means anyone? haha), knowledgeable, sensitive and protective yet not posessive, gv her a sense of security and she added "VERY IMPT!! HAHA" .The guy must be rugged too and she cant take wimpy guys and the guy must also not use profanities in front of girls and blah blah blah lah. But e last part quite neat sia.

She said "See.. ive such high standards. So ill probably be a spinster for life. Then again, if the right guy happens to come along, i dun care if he meets the standard."

hehe. sweet. And she blogged ytd (i like reading entries posted VERY recently). It was a list of quotes. I read each word, every single line. So i guess now, i'll list some selected few -- with no apparent or not apparent reasons watsover. yea.

SHould i smile because ure my fren or shuld i cry becoz tts all we'll ever be?

Absence is to love wat wind is to fire; it extiguishes the small and kindles the great.

How can u be frens wif someone if everytime u look at them, it makes u want them even more?

Its hard to tell ur mind to stop loving someone if ur heart still does.

Have u ever noticed tt the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside u and u can never hv them?

It hard to pretend u love someone when u dun. BUt it's harder to pretend u do not love someone when u do.

And lastly, I know in reality we cant be together, so i just close my eyes and ure right here wif me. In my dreams, ure mine forever.

I've to admit ive never blogged abt wat others wrote on their blog this extensively b4. Maybe somehow, the reason why this was the first is becoz ive not the courage to actually blog abt it and blogging abt wat someone else wrote on their blog becomes the perfect excuse.

BBQ

2005-12-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

.... was my second last day at work. Was hoping it'll be a fairly slacked day but no.... had alot of stuffs to carry! Tiring seh. Cant wait for nxt wk - just the 3 day break. heh.

WEnta the bbq organised by mendaki. Wah veri little ppl seh. Not like last yr. Anws, ok lah.... i dun expect much coz so far.... i tink ive been to 3 or 4 bbqs in like my entire life so, yah.... cant tell wats ok and wats not ok. Went home alone - just the way i like it to be. HAHA. Dad told me to go to Bedok interchange then take 854 to yishun then take 859 back home. And tt was wat i did. Fast ride home. SLept abit too. This is the second time im out of home sooo late at nite. 1130 late rite? haha.

Last yr, I was worried abt reaching home late. i took a cab home coz i was afraid of things. haha. silly me. And last yr, it was earlier lah. Tonite, i can still skip my way home lah! Haha.... like a brave soldier. lol. okok... soldiers dun skip. yea.

On the bus ride home, i was thinkin abt just one thing....

....and i shall leave it as tt. Gonna sum up my year tmr. Gonna get some slp now. nite.

.......ytd i see, now i dun......

2005-12-29T23:56:00.000-08:00

...for how long more?

-just a lil sthg to show tt i was here on 29/12/05-

tired

2005-12-27T22:05:00.000-08:00

holidays which falls on a sunday may sound fun when im a student. But as a courier, it means a whole truckload full of stuffs to deliver. Finished work at 2 today. And that's just the morning cycle. (fyi, we usually end the morning cycle earliest 12 latest 1245) And by the time we went to the canteen to eat, there's no more food to eat. Basket. Then 1430 must start the afternoon cycle. Ended at almost 7 and boy was i freakin hungry and sleepy. Haha.... but the hunger i felt today reminded me of the times i spent staying back after skool. The times i stayed on to do stuffs even though there's no food ard. okok... there's the smelly cake shop behind but..yea...smelly so i dun eat. ok, im beginnng 2 digress.

Just watched gotcha and seems like the corridor outside Paradiz seem to be the place most of their stunts were filmed. And i was like.... what if i was there with my frens in my school uniform just after a session of pool. Haha... mama will be like wat are u doing there? And... u never told me u went to town? And blah blah blah..... Haha... but frens nvm lah. But if wif gf.... deaded sia. Well the latter wun pose much of a problem just yet. But u get wat i mean. Next wk episode gt this gag where they put a plastic lizard on unsuspecting passerbys shoulders and see their rxns and wat not. Tt would be the ultimate stunt lah! Shant bother u wif possible scenarios coz it wun be tt interesting lah. Oh cmon...it's just a plastic lizard. Haha.... shit...shouldnt hv said tt.

Anws, mama hav always told us tt we can choose to lie to her abt our whereabouts and said tt she wun always noe if we're telling the truth or not. But she always tell us to kp in mind tt god is great and tt anything can happen out there. Like what if u told u mama u goin libry but u went to town to play pool. Skali ur face come out on Gotcha.... haha.... busted! But her favourites seem to be the scenario whereby an accident happen to u outside and if u die, then it'll be a diff story. But if u dun die, then how will u face ur mama knowing tt u lie abt ur whereabouts earlier tt day. Haha... for me, telling the truth may not get me places. Which is probably why i dun go places. Haha...

k tts abt it. next saturday seems like oh so soon lah. SUddenly feel like having a feel of the pool. The swimming pool i mean. I duwan to go army and jump into the pool for the first time in... in.... in... the last time i actually swam was in sec 2 during swimming class. After i got the cert(the lower level one), it entitled me to the swimmng badge for NCC. But eversince tt "graduation", i never swam. Haha....

will i swim at least once in the coming days? I wanted a hp but seems as though tt "want" wun be a reality just yet. I wanted to at least watch a movie outside but tt hadnt become a reality too. i wanted to run.... get my form back... but tis too never actually materialised.

haiz....... and i just realised my portfolio's in my locker. And my olevel cert happend to be in there. Dumb me for just realising it. Hope tt the councillors are kind enuff to not throw a folder full of someone's useless certs inside. Or better still, hope they missed my lockers. Haha... Oh ya, tis reminds me, ive been wanting to go back to skool to clear my lockers but again, never happend.

..........nites..

..... aint tt ok yet....

2005-12-27T01:11:00.000-08:00

"......... the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided." (Exodus 14:21)

"And remember We divided the sea for you and saved you and drowned Pharaoh's people within your very sight." (Quran 2:50)

well past revelations hav shown tt water can be split into two.

Was watching the CNA tsunami special the Island of a thousand mosque. Abt how several mosques down there never kena flattened and all tt. Of coz theres the engineering explainations and stuffs like tt lah. But theres this account by tis fella which says tt he saw the waves split into 2 as it approaches the mosque. So wats my point? People make silly remarks when under psychological trauma.

NOT. My point is, the past and the present shows tt the unthinkable can happen. And can u notice the diff b/w the first and second quote? The vivid description of the former and the lack of it in the latter.

When was the compass first invented? I'm not sure. Shall google it out tmr. So north south EAST west which is the best?

sleepy.nites.pardon my tone.

monday night...

2005-12-26T02:01:00.000-08:00

tsunami occured today. today last year. any significance to u? most likely not. yes u say? Big liar.

Tonite's the second nite i dun feel like i wanna kp blogging. I hear ppl when i read their blog. I hear them talk when i read their blogs. Blogs like Nizar's or Adib's or Suliyati's among others. But when i read my own blog, i dun hear myself. Not the exterior me tt is. Hv anyone ever hear me talk the talk i talk in my blog? Maybe theres one. Maybe theres two. Maybe.

ok maybe ive been spending more time alone than wif ppl. Than wif ppl who calls me Ali. 18 years.... though i may think its possible to "change"... tonite's one of those nites im feeling the impossibility. MSN and blogging do take me places -- places like ur chalets, ur bbqs, beach rd, trngs ... and the likes. But im still in my own home, my own room and this kindof sucks. Well the s word dun normally appear does it? But hu cares tonite? ive been blogging preety oddly this past few days so lets make today yet another day.

ok i shall not lie to myself. It's the emptiness. The absence. These 2 words explain the way i blogged this past few days.

Nites.

The Practice

2005-12-25T23:05:00.000-08:00

Seems like it's more of what men said than wat the man really said. More of traditions than tt of revelations.

shucks...

2005-12-24T23:40:00.000-08:00

first time since quite some time tt i dun feel like writing anymore. (of coz it wun happen but ya..) Never had an entry which i had troubles deciding whether to post or not to post. ANd also, it's impossible to write everything tt im thinkin abt coz tts sooo suicidal. okok.... problem found. My mind's abit the not straight right now and i think i should start relaxing and stop thinking too much. Stop blogging for a while? yup... if my mood carries on like this... id most likely not write for e time being.

=mentally-drained blogger=

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

2005-12-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." ...a fairly decent quote i must say. And it's frm Batman Begins -- a fairly ok movie.

I was thinking off what to write today and i decided to let Ali of the past inspire me in tonite's entry.Went thru my December 2004 archives and im surprised tt i hadnt blogged today last year. Nor did i blogged tmr. Nor did i blog on the eve of the eve of Christmas.

hey all of a sudden, the lights at orchard came across my mind. Hmmm... i wonder if they still decorate the trees with lights. The last time i saw the lights was ..... hmm..... was when we're on our home frm somewhere when dad decided to drive thru town to see the lights... and tt was ages ago! Not in the past 6-7-8 years i tink. haha... It was just tt ONE time -- which lasted 2 minutes i think. Haha... yea.. it's nice to "see" what u saw in the past. Precious little moments.

a week to the new year. gosh do i fear my future. i suddenly felt the fear today coz i wanted to clean my room today lah. I wanted to clear some stuffs so tt my bros could warm up for their school term by reading up early and stuffs like tt. Right now, the two tables in my room are still occupied with my notes and files and tys lah! Stuffs ive yet to master. And knowing tt ive not done my job well made me feel abit guilty abt discarding my old stuffs. And looking at my "preparations" for the As .... gosh is the mood really tormenting me. Mama came in and i told her abt the notes and all lah. Well, all i did was say vague things here and there.

And mums being mums, she could see right thru me. She could hear things i didnt actually say. My voice was abit stressed up when she asked if i needed help in clearing my stuffs. I replied with a no.... and an hour later, she came back to my room and not a single bit of difference lah. I was still like sitting on this chair looking at my tables... wondering what to do. And she said, "maybe u could get the boxes inside ur dad's van and put all ur stuffs in it. If u ever need to use them in future, u 'll noe where to find it. If after several years and there's no need for ur old stuffs, u could always throw everything away along with the box." Sweet suggestion.

Reminiscing my past, wondering abt the future. Tt seems to be the things i do during free times. Always keeping in touch with myself and it seem to me tt the only fren im keeping in touch wif is none other than myself.

gosh do i suddenly feel like defining myself.... slowly..

Till nxt time. Happie holidays.

PS: Something just doesnt doesnt feel right abt this entry. It's been on for a couple of hrs and i just do not feel like publishing it. Thoughts do not seem to connect. Paragraphs do not seem to be going in a smooth flow. But wth.... shall get it over and done wif.

Nites.

let it rain....

2005-12-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

boy has these few days been soo wet. Well, after looking at what snow had caused in other parts of the world, thank god.

had dinner after work. Organised by the company one. Note tt i didnt say Christmas dinner. I mean, of coz we all noe tt it's becoz of christmas tt there's this feast after work but i guess they removed the Christmas tag frm it coz they wouldnt want the malays to be "celebrating" christmas, if u get wat i mean. At first, when i stepped out of the lift on e 6th floor where the canteen was, i heard a christmas song lah... and i was like... hmm... Then when i finally reached the canteen, i heard someone say "this one christmas party ar?" .... then someone else said, "no lah, just dinner". And then the next few songs played were oldies -- mostly silly love songs. Haha... Malay to chinese ratio is ard 50-50 and boy do i respect the respect the ppl at work hv of each other lah. sweet environment ... esp when ppl ard u are dads(which is why they played oldies). Observing them totally changed my outlook of fathers.

tokin abt fathers and work and what not, i realised that it IS hard for fathers to be like sons. I mean, going to work and all, i'd like to imagine tt i'm a dad who work to feed hungry kids and wife at home. Just to feel wat it feels like lah. And i realised tt ever since i started work, my room's been in a total mess! I've yet to clear my jc stuffs lah(maybe coz of the fear i may be needing them again) .... ! haha... and ive rarely cleaned up after dinner or help my mama wash or hang the clothes or sweep the floor or mop the floor or clean the kitchen lah!

okok.... maybe this doesnt sound like the stuffs sons do but tts not the point. Wat im saying is tt i find it hard for me to be my old self. And the other day, i actually asked my mama to help me wash my plate instead of me taking her plate and wash it for her. And then i cheekily told her, "mama.... ive changed rite?" haha... yeaa.. of coz it's onli a small thing but to me, it's a big deal lah. And tt, my frens, will be a one-off incident lah. haha. So i guess it IS hard for fathers to be like sons. It IS LAGI hard for fathers to be like mothers. yea... so if ure the kind who says tt u like ur mom more than ur dad coz ur mom spends more time with u than ur dad... (like me...) ... then i think, hmm... I think then tts just too bad for dads lah! They should hv thought like me and do the right thing frm the very start. yups..

well with regards to the way ive been blogging the past few entries, yea... these feelings come and go. See, i never tok abt it in tis entry rite? Haha... Oh ya, suddenly remembered the dream i had this morning -- the last 10 seconds of it.

i was reading a blog. Hearing a blog. Watever. Nites.

I cant believe it

2005-12-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

... my hope of a fairly decent break is gone. Yups... the day came. And it came sooner than i expected. Oh btw, exactly wat i was waiting for i wun really say lah but just so u noe, the day came today and im not making tis up.

A second felt like a minute. A minute felt like an hour. 4 days felt like 4 months. Nine days felt like 9 months. What abt the actual months itself? "It's been a while."

ytd's title was "love.crush.infatuation". There wasnt much story behind it lah. Just tt after much thought, i SIMPLY felt like writing what i wrote on September 2..... Ok maybe, go reread tt entry(which is longer than this one). Maybe there's a story behind tt entry which goes by the title "love....crush....infatuation".

well, it's amazing wat writing can do. It allows someone to talk abt things he'll never say in real. Yet, despite this, someone can still choose to NOT say everything he wants to lah. ANd also, the MOST amazing thing i find abt writing, or blogging for tt matter, is it allows me to see and hear someone whose blog i'm reading. Of coz it's a different sort of seeing and hearing but still ....

Oh yea, on our way home just now, dad told me 3rd Jan will be e last day i'll be helping him. He said he gv me some couple of days rest b4 i ciao. Haha... Man... it's kindof fast if i really think abt it. And he also said tt my helping him gvs him the opportunity to rest his ageing legs lah. Yups. All in all, just when i was beginning to feel pro doing the job, i'm already abt to leave the job. Saded.

Well i guess i'll look forward to my new job. =) Nites.