my most special k

speechless. touched.

It's really really really comforting to know there are people out there who care. I know they care but not to such extent. Shared my find with mama to share them with her. Actually, she found it first. Found it at our doorstep. It was more than the belated card i was expecting.

Guess stuffs like this serve as a reminder to me that ive got people who want to see me move on and make it in life... so that i could one day repay their kindness. Wells, the latter's my hope.

Again am truly touched. I could never thank u all enough. The people whom i didnt really know that well.

Ive found the word....

...to describe myself as of dunnoe when.

Uninspired.

Yes i could just still be in the Project Runway mode coz the girl was eliminated as her model's dress lacked inspiration. I think it was simple and had preety shades of green. Might be too simple to be on Elle mags though.
And the guy Bradley was on the brink of forfeiting coz his original plan could not be put into action coz of some sewing difficulties... So he had to rework his original plan. And in the end, he made something that was OBVIOUSLY last minute work yet he received good words from all the judges which shocked me and my brothers and Bradley himself. Guess me and fashion is a no no.

Man i sounding so ... so unlike me. Im suppose to be "dead".

As i was saying, as of dunnoe when, ive been feeling uninspired to live. By that i dun mean death. By that i mean living life. Coz ive been hanging out with my men at my MG post. Talked to them and all either had a significant other or are still "in process". They do go out with friends when they book out. They dare to tease girls on the train. Or the few female sergents in camp. What else constitutes to living life?

But dennagain me, i didnt really had a life then, when i had the chance to. And after what recently happened to my family, there's no longer an I in the word life. (I as in me and not the letter) There's only us. Mama sis bros and lastly me. A lil unfair coz im only 18. Coz someone used to tell me that 21 is when i get my key to freedom. How can i be free? Oops... what am i saying. Im not 18. Used to be 18. Cant be bothered to even remember my own age.

Anyways, wenta the bank with mama today. She wanted to put me under joint account so either one of us could withdraw money from the bank..... Wanted to put my name in her investments too. Just in case one of us bids farewell to this world. Mama keeps telling us 25th Dec will be her last day coz that's when she's going to perform the Haj with my dad... or so she keeps telling us. And i always laughed it off whenever she says that but deep down, after what's happened, i know anything can happen. Any day can be anyone's last day. So i just "played" along with my mama and keep telling my bros whenever they make mama angry to just please please please behave till she's gone. She'll be gone soon. And my bros would give me the "mama wun leave us this soon" look.

REally hopes that God would look after her when she's there. We arent old enough to be without someone to guide us. Ive yet to learn how to cook. She just cannot leave us. But if she does, ive got to think like ive never think before.

2 weeks to hari raya and mama's already indicated she's not keen on celebrating. Will just be going to my grandma's place -- this time we need the ez-link. There's no talk about what color will we be wearing this year. THere's no night shopping at Geylang. No can drinks in the fridge. No porridge during breakfast. Thing's has been different since he left. No more WOW! food. Just simple food. I no longer bother about what i eat at home. As long as i dun go hungry at the end of the day. Even if i do go hungry, i always tell myself that i could always eat tomorrow.

Hari Raya prayers would just be with me and my bros. And we'll haveta walk. Cant wait for that day to come. And feel what i imagined i would feel. I imagine that i'll be crushed that morning. When it's time to seek forgiveness from the parents... there'll be a seat empty. A seat that i'd have to take. And if im feeling crushed, mama would be devastated. If i cant hold back the tears as i'm writing, how could i hold back the tears when that day arrives.

Slowly im realising that i do have a life. I do have a story. A different kind of life. A different kind of story. My life is not about me and my significant other, spending time chasing and teasing girls on the bus or train... going out and having fun. etc etc. My life shall be about a young man who has to step into his dad's shoes so early in his life and no single day passes by without him thinking about how they're going to live through the days together.

Argh finally.... a typical entry by me.

I dream...

I was on a train station somewhere in Japan (dun ask me why Japan) -- deciding on where to go -- when i suddenly woke up. Yes it was a dream.

A dream i wish would never end.

Dep

U look at the ships and the ships look back at you. U look at the sea and the sea looks back at you.

And after 12 hours .... ping pong time! haha... im improving!!

Haveta admit that i was feeling really down the past few days .... For no particular reason whatsoever. But being around my guys , playing tabletennis and xbox, is slowly making me happier...

And im even more happy that i'll be off duty on Hari Raya!... yups... till next time.

A new beginning

The start of the fasting month has always been about new beginnings. Wanting to make this year's ramadhan better than last year's and what better way to start the month off with new that my mama wanted to perform the Haj. She'll be leaving sometime in december.... for 30 days.. that's what my bro told me.

My first reaction was "HUH?" coz i just got back home from live firing ytd midnite when the news reached me. My brother told me while mama was standing next to him.

Next was "Why?" which was a dumb qn to ask but still ..... there wasnt any talk abt her wanting to go before ytd night. So it was kindof a shock. She told me her reason. Only me and my siblings would understand.

Next was "With who?" to which she replied alone.

"Alone?"

"Yes alone."

"Why?"

No reply. None was needed anw. Was a dumb qn.

Final qn, "How much?" to which she replied $9000. And it was only then that i was feeling happy for my mum. Im proud of her too. After what's just happen, she's leaving us for a mth. We ve got the money and mama's finally got the chance to perform the haj. I have no objections.

Of course the thought of her leaving us is enough to make me tear. Her safety and all that.Well i noe that God will take care of her there and that's all that i need to ease my fears.

hmm.... a month of maggie mees for us then..

....i think i'm fine...

I was bored last week. Just finished reading a book, and embarked on a new one. After 130 pages, my body was aching; I like to read lying down on my stomach on my bed. And i was thinking, what could i do next? I could go outside and watch tv. Or go to the kitchen to look for snacks which i noe doesnt exist. Or i could just remain on my bed, close my eyes and imagine what'll it'll be like if i went outside to watch tv. Or what it's like to go to the kitchen to look for snacks that doesnt exist. Or going out with my friends to anywhere but my home.

BUt i saw my sis's laptop on my study table. Been using it to play Need for Speed Underground 2 till i got bored. That was when i started on my new book. Anws, i decided to use the net, and after minutes of mindless surfing, i blogged.

And i didnt blog the way i usually would. (Was looking back at my past posts after i typed this line) Didnt realise that i sound quite dead. But as i was saying, i chose to write as though im writing. Writing as in writing a book and not just some random scribblings. So i started out writing about the book ive finished reading. BUt somehow or rather, i began writing about me. My life. Something i wanted to avoid writing too much about.

Mama was the lucky first. Then my dad. And eventually it was about me. SOmehow, looking back, it seems as though i was like a young child wanting everyone to pay attention to me. It kindof seem like a stunt to get people to notice me. Obviously it worked. But the thing is, a child would feel happy having gotten others to notice him. So i guess i am too. It's as though i needed the assurance that i'm not my own society. There are others with me too.

And then there's the internet connection. That was written by the me who wasnt thinking. I told someone about it and everything just seem to fall into place nicely.

So see, now im talking as though everything's fine. Wells, come to think of it, everything's still rather manageable. Coz u see, sometimes, i see the glass in front of me half empty. And i noe that i can choose to see it half full too!

And now that i dun seem like im losing it... i'll talk about something else. Driving license to be exact.

Mama talked to me about getting a license. And said that my sister also wants to go learn driving. And i was like, finally, a catalyst that's bound to make me learn driving. But all of a sudden, i realise something's missing. Im missing a dad who could tell me a thing or two about driving coz as far as im concerned, he is the best driver ive ever known. We did talk once about when i think i want to get my license. That was when i was working with him. So i was thinking, haha.... he could sponser me!!

BUt now that im sponsering myself, ive gotta think twice coz ive got to sponser so many other things. If i dun withdraw anymore money, my bank will finally go above the $4000 mark next month. ANd my mission will be to not go below that mark. And once i hit $5000, i'll try not go below that mark. I talked about getting a license with the guys in my MG course bunk-- 3 guys in their late 20s. Shared their experience with me... road tax and insurance and installments and patrol and what not per month... it's something that my dad could be telling me about if he was around. And it seems like getting a car is a no no in the near future. License wise... gotta think about it some more... shall take my time going about it....

So yea, tink i'll keep on trying to be the guy i said i wanna be dib. ANd nizar, both u and i and everyone noes that if we meet up, i wun be talking much ...as always. And kim, i hope beyond hope too that the future will be bright.

Till next time.

Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio

Yet another week has passed and looking at my life thus far, it seems as though i live to count the number of years i have left. A little depressing and worrying, I know. Why this has been so, I dont know.

Ive been reading a book during the week that is almost coming to an end. The Society of Others. It's about an alienated young man who can see no meaning in life. He doesnt even see the point of getting out of bed in the morning. Being confined to the four walls of his room, looking out of his window, watching TV ... tt's his idea of life. You might sort of have realised why i borrowed this book yea?

Anws, his dad left him this amount of money telling him to go out and explore. And he took the thousand Euro and pasted the notes on his walls. Kind of like how i pasted revision notes on my wall. As i was saying, one day, he was lookin out his window and saw this pigeon on his window ledge. The pigeon was staring at him like it wanted to tell him something.

He asked without actually asking what is it that the pigeon wants to tell him. The pigeon flew off. That was when he decided to pack a bag - a pair of jeans, a tshirt, a pair of underwear, a pair of socks - and some money and began a journey.

The story brought me on a journey with him to i still dun noe where. It remains a mystery. A philosophical book i must say. Kind of irritating to have spent a week reading the book without having a proper "happily ever after" ending. But the way he wrote it, it's like reading a story that i could have written about myself some years in the future. I travelled across Europe without actually going anywhere. Somehow ive rekindled the interest i used have with books.

Im currently somewhere in the US, living the life of a music journalist turned Uncle Agony for some teen mag after the mag company he was working for folded. Spent half of today reading 130 pages.. Shows how great im living my life huh? Anws, i like it.. at least for this phase of my life when i simply do not know how tomorrow will be? What'll i do in future? My mama...

She's really having trouble controlling my siblings who doesnt seem to be willing to listen to her. Thus her frequent nagging. And i dun really noe how to go about helping her. It's not as if i cant punish my siblings like how i would, but i choose not to, with my men in camp. Normally, if we become out of hand, mama would simply tell dad of the going-ons and he'll be the one to discipline us.

Ive not really stepped into my dad's shoes. Being the man of the family. It's a tremendous job to sign up for. And ive been kind of avoiding doing my job. Being in camp sort of made this possible. Though both dad and i are size 10, and though i do wear some of his shoes, it's just this one pair of shoes that i just dont feel like wearing. Yes, i know i have no choice and that i'll wear it one day. Im waiting for that one day to come. Somehow, I keep thinking that that day would be the day mama leaves her pair of shoes behind .... her pair of shoes plus her many other pair of shoes plus a whole wardrobe of clothes. I hope id step into the household scene soon.

Mama tells me that it's been 3 months since dad left us. In my mind i went like "hmmm" and oh, i didnt realise it was so. Or more like, was it important how long it's been since he left us? All i know is this -- he left us.

I live to count the days i have left. And now i realise my mama lives and counts the days he left us. This makes me wonder what kind of life am i living. A self-centred life? Maybe. Maybe not. After all, i am making $700 a month, an amount which i dun really noe how much it's worth. I mean i do give my mama a share of my allowance. The thing is i dun really noe how much we're actually spending a month. Our phone bills, and net bills, and utilities bill and my bros and sis allowance and groceries and who noes what else i dun noe about. All i could do now is to frequently walk round the house and switch of whatever appliances we're not using. Like someone with OCD. Im not obsessed. Maybe i am.

I never talk to mama about such stuffs. Maybe because she seems okay everytime i come home. No problems whatsoever. I hope beyond hope that all is well. And like how she used to say that prior to the days before dad fell ill, she felt very distant from him.... Im sort of feeling the same way. It's not mama who is keeping a distant from me but more like the other way round.

I am keeping a distant from mama. Maybe without me realising it.

I seem to be running out of words as the days go on by. Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio. Either be silent or let your speech be better than silence. A quote from The Society of Others. Somehow i always think that i could never be part of a nice conversation. Or at the very least a decent conversation. Even with my mama. sighs.

Could it be that im going? I am afterall, going for my MG live firing next week. Enough with all this. But who knows? No one expected dad to fall ill all of a sudden. Right?

I am still thinking whether i should terminate this internet connection of mine. it's a good $40 a month... and a significant cut on electricity bill coz surfing the net is what my sis do best. and i realise ive been using it to check my mail and blog.. On weekends only. And it's becomin clear that i shouldnt really waste my time with all this because.... because of what i cant really figure out exactly. But terminating would mean im shutting myself out from the rest of you whom i can only reach via the Net coz im still not a people person. But considering that ive been kind of alone most of the time, i wun really be shutting myself out coz it seems that ive been doing it since wen i dun noe. But a part of me just dun want to. Maybe i was right when i said that i wont terminate till i get my reply. Whatever i might mean...

You could tell how im spending my time at home by just looking at how long tis entry is. Longest since i dunnoe when. Well then... hope you guys are living your life fully. And to my sis, you are not allowed to live life fully. You are within the boundaries set by mama.... be home on time. Wake up early. Help her out. Help her control our twins. Enough with MSN and the net. Enough with friends if possible. And heard that u wanted to buy an MP3 player. Dun waste money even though it comes from ur own bank. I wanted to buy a digi cam with the surplus money i got for getting IPPT gold. But time changes everything. Each an every single cent we have means everything. What if it's true, that i am going? We dont just live for today. Nor do we just live for tomorrow.

We live for today, tomorrow as well as the many many days i see in the bumpy future ahead.

The End

Why cant i?

Why cant i stop feeling the way im feeling right now? .... why?....

I could be feeling bored and i wanna stop feelin this way but i cant.

I could be feeling happy and i wanna stop feelin this way.... Why cant i not be happy?

I could be feeling dumb and foolish and seems like im wasting my time... and i wanna stop feelin this way...

There's a million and one "could be"s ....... And only i noe the right one...

-out of sheer boredom-

This past week

im feelin bored yet again. When im in camp, i look forward to going home. Surfing the net, checking my mail. But now tt im home, having surfed the net and checked my mail, i really wished i was still in camp.

Camp life has been fun so far. Played soccer like in the morning, at night and the next morning the past 2 days. Playing the PS2 seems to be part of the timetable. Sleeping time... nap time... its all taken care of. Very very relaxing. Which is why i get bored on weekends. Nothing to look forward to (besides bookin in). Am going for a course next week. heard it'll be a fairly relaxed one. Lookin forward to it. Think i would go to the library... look for books to read. To fill time.

So many things going on.... but none that can be written in this space of mine. Maybe im just lazy.

Just another entry

Came back from p6 class reunion. Not all managed to turn up but we still had a great time. Catching up on each other... reminiscing the past. It was just sweet. Especially after 6 years of not seeing each other. But once the clock went past 10, i was feelin a lil restless coz i dun really like to stay outside home so late. Still not used to it. Maybe coz i also wanna set a gd example for my bros.... mama would get worried if her children is still not back home even though its so late. yea.

All of a sudden, ive got at least 10 "new" friends. everyone seemed very very nice to everyone. Hope to get to catch up more with them thru msn... ive got more ppl to talk to.

Have i talked about my first week in 6 SIR? hmm... felt as if i have. But i havent. And i dun have the drive i used to have to write abt it. Am just feelin a bit low at the moment for no apparent reason. -moody-

Wished i could be in p6 now... and start afresh.

sucky...

this past 2 days...

ive never felt this lonely in my life.

And ive finally been able to see the diff b/w my family now, and the one we used to have. The house seems a lil empty. Quiet.

Hope time heals everything.

Mama's bdae tmr. Hope she'll be more happy than sad.

Life....

Saturday nite drama?

erms... dunnoe wat to say... I indirectly got mama to confiscate my sis laptop? Coz i wanna use the net at ard 2330 den told my sis to disconnect her modem. Den i waited for my modem to connect but very long still disconnected. Den i asked her again.. mama heard... asked her wat is she still doin wif the com(coz skool already ended, exam over and wat not) Of course my sister, not so intelligently used the loud and rude tone... and there goes her lappie. Got a confession... my modem didnt connect coz the phoneline of the modem wasnt in the socket. My mistake. I took it out and didnt put it back in.

Anyways, mama already told me of her plan to confiscate sis lappie last morning. Coz like ive mention previously, sis been waking up late coz OBVIOUSLY, shes been usin the com till late. Tts wat mama thinks. Tts wat i think. And im sure u all would think the same way too! But but but, i must say that my sis aint so intelligent coz she dun noe how to act or hide wat she did lah. IF and this is a very big IF.... i were to use the com till late, i'd wake up earlier than my mama lah. But my sis... mama woke her up alot of times she still sleepin. SO who's fault is it that her lappie got confiscated? Certainly not mine.... really really hope u guys support me on tis one. haha...

And my sis is like in her room like ALL the time lah... Studyin? yea rite... Like my mama would buy that. ANd she locks her door lah! If i was studyin, ill let the whole world see lah! haha.... Again, not so intelligent of her. Ive told her to at least be outside her room more often lah... watch tv or sit outside do nthg. Better still, help mama wif her work... den at least wun be a target rite? SHe should learn to be like me. Tts the very least she could do wat! Years after years, same old habit. Anws, if dad was still ard, i dare say her lappie would be in pieces by now.

So yea, i bet sis is damn piss wif me rite now. I would be if i had an elder brother like me. haha...

Dramas aside, i think spiderman 2 is a good love story. If only there's someone waiting outside my door... like MJane. I noe tis is totally off the frequency but still...

And i had a great time playing need for speed: Underground 2 on my sis laptop tis afternoon. Thanks ah sis. haha... Till next time.

the past 3 days

booked in on Thursday. 1400hrs. They did some interview thingy... admin stuffs again... showed us the history of 6 sir... the pledge, mission, vision and what not... So weve got a much clearer idea of the batallion we're in now. Den after tt.... dinner..after dinner go home. hah!

came back in on Friday morning at 0800h. For some pt we were told. All 11 of us cant imagine wat sort of pt we would have to go thru lah... thinkin of worse case scenarios. First we went for a run round the camp to familiarise ourselves wif the place.. den we ran the 2.4 route. 1/3 of the route actually coz one round is 800m. So yea... slow pace... relatively short distance. Tot after that got static exercises lah... "Sadly", it wasnt the case. We had to do more runs.

More runs. More feet movements. Head movement. Mouth movement. and ball control. (ie. streetsoccer at their very own streetsoccer court) Was thinkin of our fellow mates at bedok camp( elite guardsmen-to-be). Heard they second day of tis week only got fastmarch. My fieldpack still haven even pack.

Anws, i AM still afraid of the ball. haha... always lookin away from the ball when the opponent shoots towards goal. But i guess 1yr 3 mths should be enuff time for my men to train me in tis area. lol. Oh ya, first day during interview, the officer told me that this batallion likes to play soccer.

And after soccer, had brunch..(tis was only 0900h). wenta the interact room. interact room is a room for relax purpose one. got aircon, sofa, pillow, blanket, tv, dvd player... some board games. u get the picture. And tis is alpha coy's interact room. Bravo has an x-box inside ithink. If not x-box then a ps2. Coz we saw them play winning 11 e other day. Heard im goin bravo. yea! As i was saying, we had a break till 1230h. So after eating, we watched Alexander and fell asleep. Boring show but good nap. All 11 of us slept. Now i noe why they have blanket. =)

Had lessons after tt. lessons till 1500h after which we were told we could go home. Life at 6 sir has been great so far. While im spending my time at 6 sir, im always thinkin abt life as a guardsman. Coz tts where i dreamt i would go. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, i wasnt "fit" to be a guardsman lah. Unfortunate coz i think im getting fatter. 6+ 2 packs disappearing seh. haha.... Wonder how theyre doin... esp matin..

anws, 6 sir has its down side too. Last i heard we'll be guardin jurong island during hari raya. Coming back home either at night of the first day of hari raya or the next day. And also christmas would be burnt too. But yea... u guys need ppl like us to deter potential threats so tt u all can celebrate happily. So who says it makes more sense to be a policeman than a soldier? haha... I say, "There's a part for everyone...in this land where belong... "

wells... have army half marathon tmr... 12k .... mama's bdae on monday... almost forgot. But like dad, we never really do much on each others bdae except a kiss and a hug. priceless.

till next time....

..random thoughts speeding at 210mph...

3 days slip by with the blink of an eye... more like 826398472 blinks of both eyes. And i have had PLENTY of sleep! Of coz each and every single morning, mama will be like making noises trying to get me and my bros and my sis up for morning prayers. My sis the hardest to wake up.... must be her being online way into the wee hours of the morning... without her even thinkin abt her brother waiting in the next room to use the com. Apparently, whenever she turns her modem on, the modem in my room gets disconnected.

Anws, must be quite tiring for my mama to do that every single day. So i could imagine her doing that every single morning... and missing me when im in camp... and missing dad... lucky she got friends to talk to when my sis and bros go to school. Loneliness to the max. The feeling of losing someone u love after so so so many years is a feeling i wanna feel, without having to lose someone in the first place. Must be a terrible feeling..

I had a dream last night. Army had 60% share of last nights dream... forget about tt. I also dreamt that i was writing a book about me. My life story. And thinking about it, what would my life story be made up of if ive got no life to begin wif? heh... Its been a long long while since i wrote a narrative. I might want to re-explore this long lost world of storytelling...

Heard from friends that those who graduate from civil engineering tend to end up as physics teachers. And i dun wanna be a physics teacher!! Having to go to school and stuffs like tt... dealing with kids who think they are no longer kids.. that theyre young adults... its a tough job esp in todays society.

Of course there are some friends who just adviced me to do my best and eventually be spotted by some talent scout from some big big companies. yea... the ideal picture. But sometimes i just cant help but feel negative...

Heard tt some ppl are having the feeling that they might be in the wrong course. Is civil engineering really what i want..? I mean after knowing tt most would probably end up as physics teachers? ....

...anws, it's probably just a myth...

eyes....

can barely open my eyes. Replied an email so now i shall go dream. gd nites.

a new kindof life

.... life as a sergeant. I wonder what kind of life would that be. Lucky me im not in a tough unit. Just got posted to a unit dealing with installation protection duties. Changi airport, Jurong island... But none of whom im close to got posted to 6 SIR. Guess ive gotta make new friends..

Last day today. Last night yesterday. It was quite emotional. Haha... havin to leave everyone and all, esp more so for the special selected few tt got posted to 3 & 6 SIR and 1 guards. Wish them all e best in whichever unit they got posted to. Dun think too much abt the posting. Come monday, just give ur all.

The parade went well i guess. Was glad its over considering tt we rehearsed every single day since last book in. Took some pics too. Shall post it up once i get them from my sister and cousin.

Tis entry seems to be only a mere recall of whats happened. Lacked the depth. Coz im not in e mood .... been feelin a lil weird lately... Im missing a piece of a jigsaw puzzle...

Looking Back, looking forward .....

3 weeks in taiwan yet the pen and paper never left my hands. i wrote down what i would call "a time journal" where i would write sthg in this format:

***********
300706
1433h : Just woke up. My resting time. My turn to be on one third alert from 1500-1600h.

1636h : Haha...just woke up again. Dreamt that i was awake... Heard the news from Betrand who heard from Calvin who heard from Sgt Alvin tt an unnamed, as of now, typhoonis forming somewhere over the pacific and is heading for taiwan. Said itll be comin in 3 days time. Hope theyre right. Oh im beginning to miss home. Like really miss home. Cant get home off my mind =)

050806
1024h: Lying down under my tree- in silence. Well at least im the only only silent.Ppl adjacent to me just cant keep their mouth shut. talkin like nobody's business.We're in a harbour position for goodness sake. But i realise tt theyre always in a group of 4 or 3 or 2 but im always in a grp of 1. Typical me. And whenever i see myself in this situation, i always see myself as a loner or an anti social guy. Am i thinkin too negatively? Think i should try to learn how to see things positively like say im alone rite now coz i wanna slack under my tree and not do more. Or maybe coz now's not the best time to talk and ill mix ard some other day.Yea i guess tt's more like it.

One more issue. I seem to be in the sarcastic mode yet again. Always disturbing B and K.Just these 2 fellas. Feelin bad abt it though. I didnt like being made fun of or bein made a fool off in the past. Thinkin....thinkin...thinkin.... I think i shall stop. ....

100806
0701h: 1stly, a very long distance Happie bdae wish to my fren=) Slept without bathing ytd. Was watching tv when i fell asleep. Shagged. Wenta Ximenting ytd nite and it was damn cool. lotsa shops and e place is like Orchard rd. Maybe i found the place v cool coz i seldom (maybe never) been to orchard rd at night. ....

110806
1810h: On e bus. Heading for airport. Other sections took photos except for my section. Haha... disunity. Well i havta admit it's never been this apparent. Well itll be over soon.. the course. If its not meant to be, then why even bother? .... Just looking forward, thinkin abt the future, id really would love to travel the world. Haha... think ive found my ultimate fantasy.

********

Well, writing's my way of bringing myself into a world of my own away from the pressure and stress of the real world. During e 8 days ex warrior, there was this time when i wondered what i was doing suffering in the mountains under heavy rain. If only i was in scdf or better still, the police. Mental torture. But of coz i look at the bright side of things like looking forward to r&r. And goin home. And that this torture will end one day... tt ive only gotta be patient........ And look where i am now? at home... safe and sound. No abrasion no heat rash no cramps no blisters. Just gotta be mentally strong. There has to be an end to every thing.

Shopping was the most fun! (oops... de javu) Shopped like ive never shopped b4. Bought shoes and pants and shirts and t shirts and more shirts and a watch and wallets... but most are mine. Did buy home little things here and there but i simply felt tt i needed to be rewarded. haha... get more colors into my cupboard.

We were only allowed free time after organised tours in the day. Most of the tours that were conducted in e day are trips to amusement parks. WEnta 3 or 4 theme parks in all... and yea, no scary rides for me. There was tis 2 parks where i only took 2 rides! haaha.. im a sucker when it comes to rides.

So 3 weeks taiwan has come to an end. Bookin in tonight at 2200. Yea, life has to go on. Graduatin tis coming friday. 3 stripes. 0900h-1100h. But ITS ON A WEEKDAY! so tt means my bros and sis are out leavin my mama who's gotta find someone to send her there or if not shell havta take the cab which i doubt she would. Maybe she would. But she did tell me lets just hope the lawyer doesnt make an appointment with her on friday. Ttll mean i might have to paste my own stripes.

OH one more thing. Sthg funny happened. My house utilities bill. Used to be 300+. then last month, when dad was in hospital and all tt, 240++. And now, its $43!! haha... Electricity consumption for the month was minus sthg sthg kWh. Haha... the meter man said he would bring tis up to see if our meter is faulty. Coz if it's not faulty, i think my late dad is doin wat he can to ease mama's burden. We'll see when the report comes.

Can anyone see what's missing in this entry? I guess not coz there's nthg to see. Pictures. Wasted. if only i had a camera. But i do have some pics here and there on other ppl's cam. But nthg beats havin ur own cam. Could hav taken zillions of pics while i was walking .....walking..... walking.... ard taipei on my own during my last day there. siens.

Lookin forward, i see myself doing a massive cleanin of my room, preparin tonight's booking in stuffs and finding a way to fill tis newfound small empty space in this place called life.

Till next time.

touch down.

am back. Blggin later. maybe tonite. Kinda fell asleep after 2 lines. Till tonite.

oh finally

..oh finally the day has come. A few more hours and ill be gone. Leavin on a jet plane and i dun noe when ill be back again.. if ill be back again. haha...

woke up and i remembered my dream... that i got posted to 1st Guards. haha... mustve been my subconscious. Well i dun worry abt my posting after sispec. if i dun mind 1st Guards, i wouldnt mind anything.

Reportin to airport tonite. And theyre making us wear leather shoes lah! Dad has a couple of leather shoes but all are worn out coz he used to wear them to work. I kindof like the Hush Puppies one coz it felt super comfortable but sadly, it worn out and torn. Might go and get myself my first gentleman's shoes.

They dun want us to look like soldiers. Yet all the uniformity.

And i wonder wonder I wonder how, i wonder why. Yesterday u told me bout the blue blue sky..... Stop wondering lah dib and hock! haha... =)

Till im back. Echo elite! Hoo~ah!

rocROCroc

cant wait for my ROC trip. Anxious. Cant wait to go someplace else besides Lim Chu Kang and Mandai to train. But i worry if i left out something from my packing list.

There's this primary sch reunion some time on e 5th of Aug. Wasted i couldnt go. Coz 1stly, i used to not go to such things so it'll be great if i go abt this differently. 2ndly can meet old friends... something i used to not bother with also. And 3rdly, hmmm... cant tink of a 3rd reason at the moment. Wateva it is, i wished i could make it.

Was thinkin thinkin thinkin and i realised tt i culd be missin some people for real for quite some time. And missin someone was sthg i used to find a waste of time.

Looks like ill be wasting quite a lot of time....