An entry u may want to skip...

ONe of those nites when i cant sleep and there's nothing i can do. So i figured, why not write. i hv a feeling tis could be a long one so yaa... dun start complaining abt the recent long entries. i warned u.

I'm still thinking abt it. Esp after someone decided to hv a go a getting me to change my mind. Hmph! What a move! haha.... First time i'm so sure yet so unsure of my choice. Haha... i guess marzuki wants to help his dad but ali wants to be wif his frens. U cant do both things at the same time can u?

The thing wif my name(s) is rather hard for me to expl. I mean, i'm born Ali Marzuki but during the growing up years, i was Marzuki. Family called me Marzuki. Neighbours knew me as Marzuki. Friends outside knew me as Marzuki. Ali came abt when i started primary school coz u see, the primary one me knew that it would be hard for chinese to remember Marzuki. Or rather, i feel that it'll be easier for them to remember Ali. Afterall, Ali always appear in textbooks and problem sums.

When school ended, Marzuki went home... Ali stayed in school. I guess that's what happened for six years. I guess that's why Ali had few friends from back then coz I was more Marzuki than Ali.

Secondary school came and the six-seven-year-old me introduced myself to my friends. He introduced me as Ali due to the same reason.... that chinese cant remember the name Marzuki. Or rather,it'll be easier for them to remember Ali.

Ali wasnt an established character back then. He was someone lost.... someone who's still figuring out who he was. Marzuki was inside him but among his friends, he was known as this guy called Ali. So for the initial couple of years, i guess Ali decided to take the back seat and observe others ard him so he can try to be like others. First the hair, then the slimming down part... then the character. Haha.... Somehow or rather, he let others influence him in the things he do...played soccer properly among other things.

The Ali in sec 3 and 4 was rather unexplainable. Beginning 2002, I remember telling myself to step out of my comfort zone and be somebody. So I became this joker .... loud, trying to act cool, ... trying to be more sociable. I talked to more people ... more people talked to me. Being a geog rep did help my cause coz i needed to collect workbooks and worksheets and money for files and what not.... i got to noe the whole class. And i cant believe that there's this one moment when i stood in front of the class and told them a joke! I cant believe i did that. The me now wun do that. Haha... those were days huh... yong...nizar..

Then come JC, it was a new beginning altogether. The primary one me introduced himself as Ali for exactly the same reason. But as u all may hv realised, Ali in J1 wasnt the Ali in sec 3 and 4. I was the sec 3and 4 Ali in the sense that i was sociable.... i didnt want to take the back seat anymore. I wanted to be the driver. But having new people around me means tt i have to give up the loud and joker Ali coz i guess, two years isnt enuff for Ali to be permanent. Those 2 years were like his growing up years and suddenly, new environment, new surrounding, new life meant that Ali was born again.

I guess the first few months moulded me. In my first 3 months class, i became the GP rep w/o even knowing what GP is. Others(for some weird reasons) really really didnt want to take up the position ... now i noe why. So me decided to step up and be a rep. No more back seat Ali... It was the driver me. And it really helps being a rep coz i had to organise the SpeakEZ sessions so i knew all my classmates and they all knew me. The thing is, cliques formed and i was mostly with Tauhid and Karthik and Kinweng all 3 months. The other clique was of coz the bulk who forms 30/04 today ... haha... and the rest, separate islands. People were serious in their work... sec 3 sec4 me could not survive in such an environment. So much to learn.... things went at lightning pace. The joker me had to go. The nature of the chinese in class were replicated in me... i didnt want to be slackers and skip tutorials and lectures by hanging ard in nexus. Oh btw, didnt want to doesnt mean did not engage in those things. Haha..ANd having lots of stuffs to learn wif so little time, i guess i became slightly focussed on what i wanted. And i figured the only way to do that was to follow wat the rest were doing. I guess from then on, i took a backseat and observed how i should be like.

Cliques were forming and me being in no dominant clique, i sort of knew that every one's on their own. Tauhid went seperate ways and tt kind of went against my liking. It meant that i was really on my own. This was coupled with timetables that made it almost impossible to be with secondary school frens lah. So i guess, those few months formed me .... into this someone who's alone...

Being a gp rep in my new class ... followed by being a class leader made me know everyone, but simply knowing just wasnt enuff for me lah. I knew adib, and thx to pw, hock yinlu and grace. But the kind of life in JC made it impossible to really noe anyone. U were always moving from place to place, and tt once cliques are formed, they'll never be broken or penetrated.... and being a class leader meant that i had to be neutral ... haa.... so for 2 years, i was neutral.

Neutral = alone = no chance for the sec3 sec4 me to comeout. Slowly, inevitably and eventually, sec3 sec4 me passed away. A new Ali was born... the isolated, quiet Ali uve come to noe. However though, Marzuki was always there.... the homely me...

Of coz i got to NOE ppl during the 2 years. Soccer trngs and malacca trip helped ... hanging out wif hock helped....haha... if u get wat i mean. =P If i had known, i would hv hanged out wif him earlier... LOl....kd..kd.. and let's not forget that i went to places like J8 and Heeren and Borders for the first time this year! I also ate breakfast wif frens for 3-4 days in a row. haha... All due to friends. Friends began to hav such a strong influence on me..... on ALi... But somehow, unfortunately, it mostly began this year only. The year which went off to a bad start and from then on, went downhill all the way. SO many things i wanted to do but thought that i couldnt afford the time to do.. The JC Ali wasnt really established. I'm still in the developing process lah alhough i think it's a tad too late coz where are we now? Almost midway of December. In a few weeks, it'll be a new life and a new Ali would be born again. Would i want a rerun of what ive been thru? Start a new life and hope to change.... ? My answer, no i dont. I want my life to continue... with watever friends i hv left. Dun tink it'll be 50-60 lah... haha... but yeahhh..

...which is why.. i'm still thinking. And I could have made the huge mistake of introducing myself as ALi. I really do. Coz if i had introduced myself as Marzuki, i think things would be a lot different. I'll be making changes to Marzuki and not creating a new person called Ali. I'll live one life..... where friends and family live under one roof. haha.... call me Ali and u'll be talking to the guy in school. Call me Marzuki and u'll be talking to the guy i am all my life. Call me handsome and ure called nizar. Haha....

Boy do i love to write. And I better stop making this a habit. Wells, enuff storytelling for tonite.... Dun mind the long entry... though I'd be amazed if anyone bothered to read this. haha.... well then,my blog... i write what i feel like writing. And i did warned u earlier did i?

nites....

-Marzuki-