-Sigh- How I really wish a tomorrow will be a new week. I can’t wait for this miserable week to end. And I’ll try make this entry a short one…haha
I was sitting by myself yesterdae, watching my ex-teammates do their self-training. I really missed those daes. Anyway, being me, I began to talk to myself…do some reflections… think about the things that has happened in the past few days.
I asked myself…. “Hmm…what interesting thing happened on Monday?”…. I thought hard-trying to remember something that has happened on Mondae. Nothing came to my mind. Impossible! I told myself. There has to be at least something. I closed my eyes and focused. I began from the time I woke up and breezed through the hours, somehow akin to reading a book. The book was ending soon…yet still no significant event. But before I finished reading the book….something suddenly came to my mind.
Oh ya… how can I forget? Avid readers of my blog(if there's any tt is...haha), remember how I always say that I felt the axe coming…how my performance in soccer sux….how I always say that I will be dropped… and how I always say that even if I am dropped, I’ll still be happy as I had really learned a lot from this experience in my CCA….
So here is what happened on the evening of Monday, 28 March 2005. I was dropped. Handled the whole thing well that day… the coach asked me and the other 2 J2s whether we noe why we were being dropped. Of course I knew! It was my technical skills. As for the other 2, it’s having a bad temperament and some physical limitation. The 3 of us knew where we were heading next- Recreational soccer. We want to contribute something to the J1s…. or one can also say that that’s where rejects go to.
Since that evening, whenever I am not preoccupied with my work, my mind will dwell on the Monday incident. Various questions came to my mind like… “What do I want to do with the time that I have” … “How I wish I was still in the team”… “Am I happy or sad to be out of the team” etc. These questions, and more, were like the pop-ups in my computer—I simply dunnoe how to make them stop and when they pop-up, usually a few of them simultaneously, its hard to close them one by one. To close these pop-ups, my mind will have to venture deep into my mind…give myself the answers to the questions…and only then will the pop-ups be closed. Such is how my mind work.
On Tuesday, I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t concentrate during class and lectures. I needed a pop-up blocker coz the pop-ups are popping up like popcorns in a popcorn-popping machine. After school, did some work till about 7 with Hock and Yuy-g and frens … while my mind was elsewhere.
Wednesday came. I was like a zombie… lifeless. And during physics practical… I felt like giving up everything. We had to do some simple calculations to fill up a table. I need to find the period of the oscillation—a very simple thing to do—just take the total time divided by the number of oscillation. Somehow, I calculated the period using the frequency formula, without realizing it. And I was damn certain that I was right—so certain was I that I wanted to see if Hock and gang remembered to use the right formula.
The right formula, at that time seems right to me, but obviously, it wasn’t right. I saw the difference in our answers and told him, in a very confident manner, that he was wrong as he used the wrong formula. They burst into laughter, and tears and stomachaches, for I have done a very funny thing-- using the wrong formula and telling them that they have used the wrong formula. Yeah… I became the butt of the joke. It was funny…haha..damn funny…if the Ali then was me. But the Ali in the physics lab wasn’t me. He was doing many things at that time… deleting the pop-ups and doing practical. He couldn’t even think straight. He laughed at himself too…but for a while… for he knew that the Monday incident was affecting him. He covered his face…not in shame but in frustration… for he had allowed a small thing to affect him so much. More pop-ups…there was one too many…. he needed a break, so he went to the toilet.
Once in the toilet, it felt like I was in another world—a world where I can take my mind off school. I calmed myself down. Took a couple of deep breath. Washed my face and proceeded with practical.
There was CCA carnival after school. I was at the booth, along with Kai and Yong…. trying to get people to join the Recre team. The whole team was there at first, kicking around before their training. I simply watched from behind the booth—feeling rather disappointed. Again, more pop-ups and of course, no one could see my disappointment …except one…
Btw, we managed to get 47 girls and 23 guys… not a bad figure…
Realizing that there was so many homework for Thursday, I decided not to go for the religious lesson and the history lesson later that night (8-10pm). I really wanted to go coz we’re now at Prophet Yaa’kub (Jacob) and Yusuf (Joseph). Saw cartoons of their life on Kids Central….and I wanted to noe more…but it’s ok…it’ll only be a small portion missed..
Had a warm and nice chat with a good friend later that night. It’s wonderful to have friends that u can talk to. Friends who truly understands and are willing to listen. Hey, ya noe who you are… … really appreciated it and thanks. Regarding your question whether I am okay or not…hmm…. I’m still unsure. But it’s tilting more towards the okay side though.
Thursday came and it went on a low note again. I was a zombie almost throughout the entire day. I didn’t talk as much… or bugged Hock for his mp3… or reminding him to put Jay’s songs in it. But something happened towards the end of the day.
Me and my frens were sitting outside the bookshop doing our own work. Then got this teacher who wanted us to help her. Like I said earlier, I too wasn’t myself that day.
Teacher: Hello, are u guys going to Bridge later?
(Before my frens could answer, I opened my big mouth)
Me: NO.
(It wasn’t in a rude tone. More like in a “joking can’t be bothered tone”)--> Wrong move!
Teacher: Would u guys help me staple worksheets for the lectures later….blah blah…Are u guys busy doing anything?
ME (and my big mouth): Erm…yah….we’re busy talking.
She gave me a ‘can’t be bothered look’ and went away. My friends were like, “Ali…. Die She walked away…. Better say sorry.” I realized that the teacher wasn’t in a joking mood. DUH…. She was rushing against time! And those who know me obviously know how slow and dumb I can be.
So I approached her to apologize, told her I was joking, that I shouldn’t have acted that way and that I was really really sorry. She said it’s okay and that she called some of her students to help—in that “pretend to be angry (or was she really angry?) + can’t be bothered look” and went up to the staff room. I sat back and my friends were like, “Ali….she’s angry with you…She’ll tell Ms Tan (my form teacher) about it…Die..”
Man! She was making me feel damn guilty—a feeling not worth experiencing. She came back again, this time with some students. And my friends asked me to apologize again. And she gave me the same look and said, “It’s okay. I don’t need you help. I called some gentlemen (friends of mine) to come and help.” I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. I didn’t want to take any more chances, so I simply apologized again and sat back again. My friends were laughing at me. Like I said earlier, I felt damn guilty. When I’m quiet, I’m too quiet. Once I start talking, I’d tend to say stupid things.
AAAAAAARGH!!!!!!
Anw, I consoled myself by telling myself that I wasn’t a saint and that everyone makes mistakes.
After finishing the physics thing that I was doing, I didn’t noe where to go next. I was almost going home when I decide to make a u-turn and do something in school. I walked aimlessly trying to find anyone I know. Life would have been much easier if I had a handphone, which I do not due to some personal and valid reason.
Boon saw me…thankfully… so I watched he and the others play. Was invited to plae badminton, but at that time…. I was feeling damn guilty and disappointed… that I didn’t want to play. Sorry…maybe next time…if there is a next time (relax! This doesn’t imply that I’d be commiting suicide or anything okay)….Then that was when “I was sitting by myself, watching my ex-teammates do their self-training. I really missed those daes. Anyway, being me, I began to talk to myself…do some reflections… think about the things that has happened in the past few days……(Para. 1)”
This Thursday was by far the most restless Thursday I can remember!
Friday morning… i think i became the first person in the world to fall for an April fool's joke.Was chattin and didn't realise that it was April 1. And i fell for a trick I didn't see coming. Lame people like me shuld have seen it coming. In fact, i wanted to play a trick on those in MSN..and be the first person to make others the April's fool....SAdly, i forgot about the time. And hey...i was worried coz u said u had a bad cough... maybe, i m simply naive...haha..congrats for outsmarting me....it's this kind of thing that will help me forget MOndae...
BUT during lunch,I got bastard by a friend who said Xinmin was better than Anderson Sec coz no Xinmin player got dropped from soccer but Anderson Sec got ppl that kena dropped. Although he forgot that I was there, and I am an Andersonian, and that he said he had another Andersonian in mind…. my mood went back to a low. It’s a fact and I have to learn how to cope with this sort of pressure. Nevertheless…the pop-ups that were slowly decreasing in volume came back in numbers. I was beginning to get over the Monday incident as I was told by a good friend not to think too much about it… and that I will feel sad if I think about it coz soccer is my passion. I have to say that this good friend of mine has found for me the answer to why I feel sad even though I keep telling myself that there’s nothing to be sad about. Again….thx…
I’ll have to try harder to forget this. Btw, I had training today…haha….they got not enough people and I was glad to be part of today’s training… got time to improve on my fancy skills…lol…still got a long way to go…
Got home. Slept for 2 hrs. With my contacts on (lucky nothing happened). Too tired. Bathed. Eat. Watched a bit of Twilight Zone. And wrote this blog. Spent 3 hrs on this blog-- the longest amt of time I spent writing an entry.I couldnt do anything else. I had to venture deep in thoughts to recall as much as I can…..i like DOing this kind of soul-related healing procedure....hahaha
As much as I want to forget this week……I too, in future, want to look back and say, that this was the worst week I can ever remember.
Nightz!
