Reflections. Confessions. Ups and downs.

I have not been feeling my usual high this entire week. Dunnoe why lah. But I am just not ME this week. I have been this grumpy fella who talks rather rudely to some…. less nice to others. Man….. this kind of feeling really sux. I got to release some pressure in me to lessen this burden I am carrying….haha…

Thurdae….Sports day. Went there as a spectator….ended up running 4 X 400m…. man…Cougar house didn’t have enuff players to run for them so I ran lah. Wahlao…din practice nor was I prepared mentally. The fastest 400m I ran was 69seconds lah, during soccer training. So I went as a second runner. I ran at the same speed as the guy that was in front of me lah. After 200m, I died out. I started my run in 2nd place…and ended up in third place. Overall we came in fourth. Man….i didn’t noe that guy was a tracker lah. But even if I did…. I wanted to see how far I could keep up with him. Man….i should have followed him closely from behind. Grr…..but it was a good experience. I felt damn high after the run lah. Head felt light. Legs wobbly. Took almost 30 minutes to recover lah. Den after that played some court soccer wif my frens. Malay against Chinese. Kim lost the game for us lah. He played for the Malay team. 20-18. I scored 1 only…but assisted 8. Haha…lucky game for me lah. Was feeling damn tired that night so I din even got the chance to blog. I didn’t even read my Chem Spa notes. But it’s only pre-spa.

And Constantine is out! What the hell!! Man…what a loss to the competition. But then again, Tauhid told me yesterday that the reason why Constantine was out was because one week earlier, his band got a record deal with Universal…. Dunnoe how true it is but …well…. At least I noe Constantine left not becoz he was lousy…..

Friday….. Nothing much during school hours. Den during lunch, we went to KFC. We talk cock after finished eating. Den the first thing they talk about was me and Yuying lah. Haha….basket. They wanted me to confess and all. WTH! Haha….. I keep telling them we are good friends…haha….but they wanted a confession nonetheless. Confess what sia? Haha… this has been goin on for a week now. Maybe longer... Lol…. Nothing lah… farnie sia...

AJ Idol. Initially I din want to go lah. Coz goin to this kind of thing was not my thing lah. Den dun have ticket some more. Den Nizar said he got ticket can give me. Den he said he dun want to give me. But I knew he’ll still give me lah. But I wouldn’t be upset if he really never give me coz this kind of thing ain’t my kind of thing lah. Anw, I told them that I was going home coz I got no ticket and it was going to rain. Hha….true enuff, my frens love me lah. Haha… so I ended up goin.

First four solo really really really sux lah. Azra, Ryan, Haz and this J1 gurl Caryn. Azra could sing but she never use the mike lah. Her voice never come out. And what was she wearing!!??? Man…. If that was my sister….no… my sister won’t dare wear such outfit. She noe she shouldn’t. Otherwise, her big brother would stop her from stepping outside the house wearing such a thing! Haha…. not being unreasonable here but Malay girls should be wearing the things they noe they should be wearing. Ryan….. wth…. Nothing special abt his voice lah. Haz…. I din think his voice is soulful…or sexy…. Bleargh! To me, I think his voice sort of vibrates lah. Dunnoe how to describe it. Bad. Then the Chinese gurl… I kind of thing her voice is kind of the best lah. But the song itself didn’t sound nice. And also when she sings, she seems to run out of breath towards the end. Haha…. but guess who did I vote for?….. The person who sang the best. Though all weren’t as good as I thought it would be.

Was feeling kind of bored and uneasy during the first half of the show. Firstly, I missed prayers….. and secondly, I was afraid of time lah. I didn’t tell my mum I was going home late to watch AJ Idol. But my frens said I looked sien coz I regretted goin there and all and I should have waited for Yuying….haha….wth…. Man… do they know how to tease me…haha…. No lah…

Den the band performances resumed after the interval. LJB and The Champagne performed. Ppl upstairs were cheering for LJB. But I was like…. They really good meh. Like I saw The Champagne perform during the auditions which seems ok lah… But LJB I didn’t see. But their performance was fabulous lah. For the first time that night, I clapped for them lah. The singer sang her best. The band was energetic. Everyone was a star. But The Champagne…. It was all Haz. He sang better than his solo performance but still… the band as a whole wasn’t good. They should have chosen a “fiercer” song lah…. Not Drops of Jupiter!… I voted for LJB of course. I voted LJB for AJ Idol too. I wonder if they win, who will keep the trophy?…. Yup! I didn’t noe who won wat coz I left early. Man…. I said I was uneasy. Den as time goes by…. I felt damn worried lah. Haha.. goin home late and all… so I go home lah. AND….. my frens asked whether Yuying msg me to go home wif her. Wth….. Double hit. Yuying not my gf and I got noe phone. I told Kim that Yuying was my gf lah…. good friend. Yup. A really good friend.

On the train, I was like looking at my watch every few minutes lah. I was oso like thinking if I am the only 17-year-old guy on this planet who is afraid of his mama. I told myself, once a mummy’s boy, always a mummy’s boy. Went home, my mama ask why so late. I told her watch AJ Idol and she didn’t really said anything lah. She also dun even noe what AJ Idol is and she didn’t ask. She trusted me in the sense that she knew I wasn’t doing anything she would frown upon. I knew she wouldn’t scold me. That’s why I chose to go home as early as I can coz I didn’t want her to think I was abusing the trust and freedom she gave me lah.

Den while walking home, Cinderella came to my mind lah. I was rushing home as though my shoes and shirt and pants would turn into rags if I reached home late. … Mr Cinderella…hhaa

Some issues for me to reflect on. Firstly, regarding me and my leadership role in class. I felt that I really suck at being a leader. I didn’t really do anything much in class. I have been reading books about leadership and all. I know what leaders should be doing and all but I didn’t really did any of those things mentioned in the books lah. The book made me see so many flaws in me lah. Wednesdae was the class burfdae. 27/04. Ms Tan wanted the leaders to do something. Den she wanted us to put a closure on some issues. In my mind, I went like frustrated lah. I really dunnoe what closure she wants sia. To me, the issue is fine already. All at peace but still, she wants to see a closure. IMPOSSIBLE!! The situation is good enuff! Man…. Den she wants us to celebrate class bdae. Not that I dun want. Neither do I really want it. So I was like asking the leaders what they want to do and all. All were clueless. Being in the grumpy mood that I say I was, I told them… So what class bdae! Big deal ar! We don’t need it lah. Not that impt! Why waste our time!….. I noe I should be doing something. But I didn’t. All this things make me question myself what have I really done to make the class a better place. I didn’t got chosen for Delta exp. Results were put on Wednesdae. I wasn’t disappointed. Really. If I got in, then it would be a bonus lah. If not then nevermind.

Den the next issue is the class bbq. Man…. This kind of thing also not my kind of thing lah…. or should I say, not my cup of tea lah. I must say that it is becoz if I want to go and enjoy the BBQ, I must prepare the food coz it has to be halal and all. Lazy lah. Told Hock about it lah. He said just go play game. Was like….. got bbq which I cannot enjoy…. Just go play game… hang ard….WEIRD! Den I told him about how I felt abt bbqs. I told him that there are some people who cant stand staying at home for 24 hours (like my sis). But I am not those kind lah. I am the kind that cant stand staying outside my home for 24 minutes lah. Ok…. Not 24 minutes but u noe wat I mean. He told me…WEIRD! I am a weird guy. I really have to admit it lah.

Ask u all. Where got guy scared go home late because wait mama scold even when he noes his mama wont scold him? Where got guy who wear Pe shorts to Sports day when all his other friends wear long pants? I told them PE dept say must where pe short and what to I get….. coward. Hhaah….. When a guy tucks in his Pe shirt inside his short?… Coward….. When a guy wants to go somewhere at least 10 minutes before the actual reporting time…. I got this, “Relax lah. Go late oso nevermind. Why? Scared ar?”… What about a guy who wears the school badge and keep telling his ‘brave’ classmates to wear the badge? Wat about a guy who never pon lecture becoz he is afraid of the consequences? Well…. Let’s not talk about a guy who is afraid of lizards and cats and dogs and frogs. Yup frogs. Got one day I walking home on the path from AJ to the MRT. Saw a couple of frogs hopping on the path lah. Eeeew. Lucky I was alone. Lets not talk more. I am simply weird lah. That’s me.

As someone puts it…. I am a sensitive guy. Good or bad…. I dunnoe. Haha…

But before I conclude my entry, I just wanted to say that there is a limit to jokes and all the teasing lah. You can tease me all u want but dun make fun of the people I love, those I care about. Dun be disrespectful. I dun mind when ppl joke abt me. Tts me lah, a source of entertainment for my friends. But I can’t take it when ppl go too far. Not that I show my unhappiness and all. I still do laugh lah. It’s me lah not to do things that may hurt the feelings of the jokers. And it’s me to lose all this unnecessary battles. Yup…. Let it be…

Am feeling lighter now. My whole family gone to Malaysia. Go relative wedding. Left me and my sis. Hope we wun quarrel again like we did a couple of daes back.

Whenever I talk to her, my voice will always rise one. Dunnoe why. Perhaps after all this time, I have come to realize that people like her I cannot talk nicely one. Den because of me shouting at her, she got angry and say the bad word. Yup….the baddest word u can think of. I wun sae it out coz I dun like to say this kind of thing lah. Not that I never but it’s not just me lah. Anw, she got scolded by my mother and got *whack whack whack* by my mum. Although my sis said she said that word just like that and not to me, nevertheless, people in my family dun say such things in the house. She can say the word all she wants in school, but the home is a home. Den she sort of said while crying that why must I shout everytime I talk to her. I knew wat she meant lah. I know I have not been the bestest brother lah. I must say that I really dun want to see her get scolded and cry and all. But her age, shes 2 years younger than me, allows her to have her own mentality, her own way of doing things, which is rather opposite of my way of doing things lah. Before my mum left, she told my sis to wash clothes, heat the food, cook rice and all, do what’s right, dun go out of the house… and she told her to change. Change. Change. And change…please. Three or four times my mama told her to change. Mama didn’t told me to do anything coz she noe i noe what I have to do. That how different me and my sis are. But still, I noe I am in the wrong for talking to her in a high voice. Although she may be different and all… I must talk to her like how I talk to my girl friends in school lah. Yup….. hmmm…. –haiz-

Am feeling really relaxed now. And guess what. I am in my room typing this blog out and out there in the living room, the music is put in a very high volume. My sis lah, who else! Man…. That’s her lah. Always trying to attract my attention. Like some little girl deprived of love and care and concern from her big brother. Hmm… sounds familiar… hhaa.. well…. Something for me to work on then….

Blogging is really cool lah. Help me relax myself. Being a person who keeps to himself in the real world, I can be another person, the me I want to become, in this imaginary world. Haha…

Have a great long weekend ya guy? Spend it fruitfully wif ur frens and family :)