The awakening

If God helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? In God, then, Let believers put their trust. (3:160)

In God, i trust.

Slept for 4hours after i blogged the most depressing entry ever. Was in deep thoughts even as i sleep. And as soon as I woke up, i heard my own voice saying "Life's just hard and i dun mind going" over and over again. Must hv subconciously embedded tt thought in me.

But immediately after those voices disappeared, i remembered tt in the dream i just had, i heard the sweetest words that a mum can say. I know in my heart that it was sthg i needed to hear, esp now. Though i cant seem to recall those words, no memory of what she said at all, i knew tt i woke up feeling a lot better than the ali 4 hours earlier.

WEnta browse thru the content page of the Quran looking for things tt concerns me and the state i'm in now. Read a couple of things which really made me feel stronger. Especially the above. And i read sthg about saying ur prayers with fear and hope.....

Hope...i didnt noe i was suppose to believe in wat i wanted.I tot tt if i just told Him what i wanted, i may or may not get wat i prayed for. But starting from now, I'll start praying with hope.

And i also came across a long verse which contained the following.. "(And they pray).... do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear..."

It seems as though i do not have the strength to bear what's being imposed on me. But I believe that God would not impose something on one whom have not the strength to bear. There's that strength in me somewhere, i know there is.

And I've been letting myself down too much when i compare myself with others.U noe sometimes i do wish i was like BenP.... so smart... But I forgot tt there's just some things that i have which others dun. May be nothing spectacular but i find it...cool... I read somewhere that one should not be too jealous of the success of others. And compared to the success in life after death, the success here is way too little. Not tt i shuld by any means work less hard.

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I forgot the very essence of life. My family. My home. Ive been so engrossed in what others say -- to drop my values, to spend more time with frens and stuffs like that that it makes me SO not me. They say my life is too controlled and i should loosen up a bit. And that i should yearn for more freedom. That i should step out and see the real world. And now that 18 is replacing my 17, ive been acting really weirdly at home and in skool.More vocal, rude to mum and grandma.
I told mama she shuld stop buying me shoes and clothes and all coz i'm past that age....that i'm no longer the little boy who wears whatevr she likes. I scolded grandma the other day for wanting to do housework(she shouldnt tire herself, but i couldve told her tt in a polite manner) And having breakfast 3 DAYS STRAIGHT outside....spending more than i hav.... borrowing money..though just $2 frm 2 ppl.... is certainly not me.

This is so not me coz my mama keep telling us that if u dun hv money, then act like u dun hv money. Dun borrow from others. Go home straight.Eat at home. Never ever ever borrow things from others coz it'll become a habit. Dont play with other people's things. If u spoil them, u'll have to pay for it urself. Our world is mama's world -- and i forgot that.

I guess i forgot the me that i have been all these years. The me who talks to himself more than he talks to others. The me who has and will always be a mummy's boy. The me whose mum still buys clothes for him. The me who doesnt like to waste a cent. The me who doesnt really like to waste time. The me who does things alone. THe me who isolates himself from everyone coz he doesnt want to be influenced too much by the negativities in the real world. The real me.....

And I guess i forgot the true meaning of fun. Fun to others may be watching movies and playing pool and eating out and hanging out with friends. But i realise that my sort of fun is to sit at home, ask my mum what she cooks,ask grandma if she's eaten, listen to what they hav to say, help ard, show her that i help ard, show grandma tt i help ard, disturb my bros,water the plants....and blog..

Of late, ive been wanting to change so badly to "adapt" that i forgot what i enjoy doing most.... And Kim's words still ring in my head. That if i dun hang out wif frens, i'll definitely lose them sooner or later. -scary- Its becoz of the converstion we had a long time ago tt made me want to change -- change so tt my frens would not go away.

So many things to do. So many ppl to please. really dun noe wat to do abt my social life. I'm raised in a way tts sooo family oreiented tt its hard for me to go over to the other side. And thank god i do not hv a love life...

well..... i guess i'll stop worrying abt losing my frens now. Start being the me i've been for 17 years. Start being the six year old/ten year old me. yes... i always seen myself as the six year old kid who grew up alone. And growing up with grandma and mum and my auntie.... i noticed tt i m rather soft. Dun retaliate when being made fun of etc etc. Coz the ppl i grew up with never made fun of me before. i've never known wat its like to be laughed at till i was thirteen. Thinking it was normal, i let it be. ...till today.. But not that i really mind. This is me. I musnt really deviate from the real me -- The me who hav reached this far thanks to family support... my mama's undying support......and only recently, frens . Frankly speaking, i am still quite new to the world of friends. Its weird when everytime u laugh or smile or talk, there's bound to be laughters and remarks and jokes. WEird becoz things back home have never been this way. My first 12 years have never been this way. I still am "adapting" to real people... though it has been almost 6 years now.... Enuff of going in circles-- my point being, i must start being my normal self back.

Frens come and go. Will my good friends go if i dun hang out with them? Kim really made me open my eyes abt life and frens. But if he's right, that the frens i knew will pretend not to noe me if i dun spend enuff time wif them, then i must say that this is something i shuld stop worrying abt now. Worst come to worst, the only ppl who'll turn up at my funeral will be family-- the ppl tts been highly supportive of me from start.

My life's just beginning. God willing, there's still a long way to go. So as from now on, i'll be the me i've always been-- the me that my mama wants me to be--the me that my frens dont want me to be--and start working my way up the ladder with God's help. Seems like Tauhid's rite, if i must escape, find god and he'll send me back stronger.

No more depressed entries from now onwards. And i promise, no more long entries too. Some people simply hate long entries.

And it's nice seeing frens tag words of encouragements. Frens come and go but i sure hope they dun go even if i spend less time with them. =)